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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

“Who Else Needs to Know What We Mean by Codependency (or Co-dependency)?”

Are you confused by what therapists and self-help authors in the recovery field mean when they us the term codependency (spelled co-dependency as well)? Perhaps this isn’t surprising. Today, there isn’t just one definition for this term. One author will use it to mean one thing, and another will use it differently. That’s why you need to make sure you understand how it is being defined by that author or that therapist; don’t just assume you know what they’re talking about because you’ve come across the term before.

          Originally, the concept of codependency was developed and used by those in the recovery field (recovery from alcoholism, that is) to refer to the type of behaviors and beliefs that adults who grew up with an alcoholic family typically exhibited. In other words, adult children of alcoholics often hold similar dysfunctional beliefs, and they display similar maladaptive behaviors. Why? Because they were often forced into adapting certain beliefs and behaviors because parents or caregivers demanded this.

          On the other hand, sometimes a child would develop some of her own dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors because they helped her better cope with a chaotic world; they helped her minimize some of the emotional and physical pain associated with that world. For example, she might have learned to hide out in her room versus have interaction with the family. She might have worked hard to excel in school so she could become the family hero, as well as keep others from suspecting the realities of her life at home.

          Therapists and others came to realize that more than children of alcoholics displayed some of the same dysfunctional behaviors and beliefs. What are other Family of Origin problems that create compulsive and self-defeating behaviors and beliefs in adults? They include:

·         the existence of other forms of chemical dependency in the family

·     the presence of a family member with a chronic mental or physical illness

·      the use of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, or sexual abuse against one of more members of the family

·      hypercritical or overly demanding parents who expect more than what a child is developmentally capable of delivering

·         neglect of a child’s physical and/or emotional needs

·         a rigid and unloving family environment

·         rigid family rules

·         family secrets children are aware of, but aren’t allowed to divulge

·   obvious discord between the parents because of affairs or other problems

·         disruption of the family from divorce

            When raised in such a household, as I already mentioned, a child often develops beliefs and behaviors which assist with survival in that dysfunctional family. As an adult, however, these often become maladaptive. In fact, they usually get in the person’s way of getting needs met. And even though the individual might realize these behaviors aren’t in his or her best interest, the person engages in them nonetheless.

How Childhood Dysfunctional Beliefs and Behaviors can Backfire in Adulthood

          Let’s consider the girl who stayed in her room to avoid incurring the wrath of her alcoholic father. She might accept the fact she has to basically retreat into the walls of her own home now, as a married woman, to try and avoid the wrath of her alcoholic husband who slings around emotional abuse and verbal abuse regularly. She feels fear and anxiety all the time, and these aren’t pleasant, certainly. Nonetheless, they are familiar to her. As a result, she can tolerate them, whereas another woman from a healthy family of origin might observe her partner’s problematic behavior and quickly pick up her bags and leave. What is a deal breaker to one, in other words, is acceptable to another woman not because it is considered acceptable or normal behavior by the majority of people, but because she has been trained by childhood experiences to see it as such.

          As a child, she had to endure what she did because she was dependent upon adults for her survival. Now, she thinks she must remain with this man in part because she believes she is dependent upon him. However, she has been programmed by her past to hold this world view when indeed, because is an adult, she can survive on her won.

                 Codependency  Involves Unhealthy                 Personal Boundaries

          Those who write about the codependent and codependency often talk about how codependents have unhealthy personal boundaries. Yes, those suffering from codependency are inclined to let others walk all over them. They are the ones who will often play the role of doormat. The codependent woman will cater to her narcissistic husband’s every need, despite the fact she receives little in return besides his emotional abuse and verbal abuse—if not sexual abuse, social abuse, economic abuse, and perhaps even physical abuse as well. Meanwhile, of course, she ignores her own needs. But then, a codependent is hardly aware of what these are anyway. She is too used to turning outward and catering to what others and the environment demands; she is out of touch with who she is and what she desires.

           Those suffering from codependency already have a fragile sense of self. Remember, the codependent is typically looking to her husband for s sense of identity. But her husband’s narcissist, addictive, and abusive behaviors only further erode that fragile sense of self she had to begin with. She soon feels totally lost, or incapable of making it without this man who treats her shabbily. Others look on and shake their heads. How can she stay there and be his doormat—and even punching bag? While she feels she should be earning his love and respect because she is sacrificing herself and her life for him, she will probably only become the target of his worsening abuse.

          The codependent woman, because she lacks healthy boundaries, is unable to stand up for herself. She can not ask for what she wants and needs. Because she lacks a good sense of self, she doesn’t know what might make her heart sing, or to help her feel she is living a purposeful life. She gains these things basically by doing for him. Certainly, she doesn’t want to be abused, but she settles for abuse because she doesn’t feel capable of making it on her own; she’d have no identity without him and her role as martyr, for instance.

The Narcissist Lacks Unhealthy Boundaries, too

          The woman exhibiting codependency attracts—and is attracted to--the man exhibiting narcissism because they are at a similar place psychologically. Actually, they both lack healthy boundaries. Now, this might seem hard to accept when you realize that the narcissist demands and demands while, in turn, she gives and gives. While the narcissistic man is hardly anyone’s doormat, he nonetheless lacks good personal boundaries. After all, healthy boundaries aren’t merely about standing up for what’s in your own best interest. Healthy boundaries also keep someone from infringing on the rights of others, or from being too controlling or too abusive. Thus, the narcissistic man who engages in emotional abuse and verbal abuse doesn’t have healthy boundaries.

         The man suffering from pathological narcissism isn’t likely to develop healthy boundaries, either. Why not? Because he doesn’t see other people as human beings with their own needs that should be honored or respected. Instead, he sees other people as basically objects to be used for his own personal gratification. In fact, he typically has little use for other people unless they are kowtowing to his needs. If they don’t, they are often perceived as the enemy, and war is waged against them. The narcissist believes such people deserve annihilation through any means, too.

Do You Need to Start Working on Developing  Healthy Boundaries?

      Do you want to continue to be hurt by your partner’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse because your own childhood experiences might have programmed you to accept what rightfully should be held as unacceptable? You might need to work with a therapist who can help you identify beliefs and behaviors that you’ve dragged with you from the past into the present—beliefs and behaviors that probably need to be trashed and replaced by others that can serve you well today instead.

          Why shouldn’t you expect to be able to do this on your own? In part, because we are often blind to our own worst habits and stinking thinking that keeps us down. Also, since there are others out there only too happy to see you remain in this place—such as your husband—because it serves him and his best interest, he is apt to fight you as you seek to change and become healthier. He will put you down and cause you to doubt yourself. You need someone who can stand there and remind you they are but lies he shouts at you.

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

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