“Forget About Your
Narcissist Spouse. Are
there Behaviors YOU should be Changing?”
Many of us think that we should
just be ourselves.
Furthermore, people should accept us for who we are, right? And if they
don’t,
then it’s their problem, true?
Well, there’s some truth to
this. But then
again, you might actually be asking others to enable you in some less
than
desirable behaviors. Just as your spouse with his narcissism,
addictions, and
abusive ways might seem to force you into enabling behaviors, you could
be
doing the same thing. Yes, you could be doing the same thing even
though you
don’t suffer from alcoholism or an addiction to prescription
drugs, for
example.
Does
what I’m saying seem to go against what you’ve
always heard or read? Well,
please, give me a chance to explain what I mean.
I want you to realize something.
Most of us are going through life being the people we were programmed
to be
from our pasts. We behave in ways that are habitual. But this
doesn’t mean that
those behaviors truly represent who we are, or the people we were
intended to
become. Some of these behaviors do nothing to help us live more at our
peak
potential. In fact, they might well sabotage us and keep us from
becoming our
absolute best.
Let’s
consider an example many people can understand.
If you overeat and then lounge
around and never exercise, you know that you’re not as fit
and healthy as you
could be. Nevertheless, you might accept your body shape and the
limitations
your size puts on your physical abilities, merely because you
don’t want to
discipline yourself to do what it takes to be a healthier person
instead. In
other words, you’ve made a choice to stay with these
destructive habitual behaviors,
even though you could develop healthier habits instead.
Now, let’s switch back to
relationships or interactions with others. You probably have some ways
of
behaving within a relationship that are less than desirable as well.
You might
even be aware of these. Nevertheless, it is easier to just be the same
person
you’ve always been rather than try and change these habitual
behaviors. You
could, however, make a conscious choice to practice behaving
differently. And
of course, this might afford you the opportunity to come closer to
becoming the
best person you believe you’re capable of becoming.
Furthermore, you could
elect to do this, to engage in such behaviors, no matter how your
husband is
being or behaving. After all, he probably isn’t going to
change very much no
matter what you do. But again, don’t let that stop you from
trying to become a
better person—so you come to feel more proud about who you
are, and no matter
what external circumstances might look like.
Tell me, don’t you think it
might be
easier to ignore your narcissistic spouse’s criticisms or
putdowns when you
know you’re giving it your best to be your best? I would
imagine so, although
you might want to write me and share your actual experiences after
trying this.
Certainly, most of us want to be
accepted for who we are. We want unconditional love. But while it might
help
our personal growth to try and love others unconditionally and be
nonjudgmental, it might not be in our best interest to have others
accept us
for who we are, especially if we are behaving badly and
aren’t living in
accordance with the true self. And remember, most people are not. Perhaps someone like
Gandhi might have done
so, but most people do not. The majority of us have plenty of room for
improvement. There are corrective measures to take to become our best.
We
must further evolve both personally and spiritually.
Of course, this doesn’t mean
that I
think you should put up with someone who constantly puts you down.
Remember,
your narcissistic and abusive spouse isn’t doing this because
he has your best
interests at heart, or he’s trying to help you improve
because he knows darn
well you’re capable of being so much more. Indeed, a true
soul mate might do
this in a kind and loving way—to help you slowly stretch
yourself to become
more, similarly to how a caring and concerned parent might encourage a
child to
take steps promoting personal growth. No, your spouse suffering from
narcissism
is criticizing you because it serves him psychologically; his
psychological
needs demand that he tear you down.
So
again, I am not suggesting that
you allow yourself to be emotionally and verbally abused, for instance.
But I
am saying that you should take a personal inventory and decide what you
could
improve upon because you know the behaviors are self destructive, or
they don’t
help you to be the type of kind and loving person you know you were
intended to
become.
Decide how you could behave that
would be more in alignment with that ideal. And again, be less
concerned about
him. Do it to please and honor who you are. And if it seems like
you’re
rewarding his bad behavior, so be it. After all, you know what
you’re doing is
for yourself; it’s not at all about him. But it might just
touch his heart and
cause him to respond somewhat differently. You’ll just have
to observe and see
if this is the case.
As you strive to do these things, it
might help to remember something about relationships. They
aren’t necessarily
meant to be fun or easy. Oh, I know that’s what most of us
want. However,
that’s because we remain unaware of
their role in helping us grow and evolve as people. Remember, most
anyone can
handle the easy and good times. The more challenging and painful
ones—how we
handle them—help us evolve. They also speak more about who we
are as people.
You are undoubtedly in a painful and
challenging marriage. How do you want to deal with it? What type of
person do
you want to become now?
Knowing what to do--or how to be--is
often difficult, however. After all, there isn’t one right
answer. Who
you’re probably supposed to be in this
world, versus who I’m supposed to be, are different. In fact,
I believe that we
all begin life on this planet with different issues to work out. Thus,
perhaps
I need to learn how to better express myself. This might mean I attract
an
abusive mate or another person with whom it is difficult to
communicate, not
just so I can walk away from the individual, but so that I can learn
how to
express my needs and wishes—to show who I
am—despite who they’re choosing to be
at the time.
Again, this doesn’t mean I
have to
stay around to be abused time and again. I might make myself handle the
situation well, or in a way that makes me feel good about myself and
shows some
personal growth, and then I might choose to move on. But while I am in
the
process of doing this, I accept that this person might well have been
placed in
my life at this time to help me further evolve in my ability to express
myself.
Then, having learned the lesson, I might choose to move forward. And
once I
have, I might meet another partner with whom it is must easier to
communicate.
After all, this is no longer the lesson I must learn.
Let
me pause and clarify one thing that might not be clear.
I am not suggesting that you go
through life being a chameleon, changing to meet and satisfy everyone
else’s
needs or expectations they hold for you. Indeed, the lesson such a
person might
need to learn is to start accepting people as they are, and not forcing
them to
become the type of people they’d prefer to be around. What I
am talking about,
however, is coming to terms with the person you really are, not the one
your
past programmed you to be, and then being or living as that person.
What I am proposing here is you
strive to come to know and be your real self, or that you live
authentically
and in integrity.
When you are living in alignment
with who you really are, you’re going to feel good in your
own skin. But you’re
also going to be a kind and considerate person who does things not only
in your
own best interest, but takes into consider the needs of others and the
world at
large. In other words, it is not a selfish way of living, but what
might be
called a selfless way of living. Because
you recognize your connection to everything else, you will never
manipulate or
intentionally harm others.
Because of the quality authentic
person you become, people are apt to feel comfortable around you. This
will be
true even if they never believed they could enjoy a person like you,
perhaps
because you might not share common backgrounds and interests, for
example. You
connect at the heart level instead.
They
might also want to be around you because
you know who you are, and you’re functioning at a level that
they wish they
could, too.
Strive to be your best, and the best
will probably happen to you. After all, we tend to attract who or what
we
already are.
This
article first appeared on a blog signed as:
Diane
England, Ph.D.
The Blog
Doctor on Narcissism who Understands
Providing Information for Women Needing Emotional Pain
Relief
Because of His Narcissism, Addictions, and Abuse
