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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

I thought it might be valuable to include information about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) at this website where we deal with his narcissism, addictions, and abuse because we know that some women who end up with abusive men time and again do suffer from BPD. I’m not expecting that you’ll discover you have this actual personality disorder. Nevertheless, you could still exhibit some of the traits or behaviors of Borderline Personality Disorder. Furthermore, just having some of these could be getting in your way, or keeping you from achieving the quality of life you desire. So if you recognize any of them in yourself, I’d encourage you to get some professional help. Why suffer needlessly? There are some relatively new therapeutic approaches for women with BPD. Why not give them a try?

  Did you know it’s possible to have borderline traits without exhibiting the full-blown personality disorder? A Harvard psychiatrist, Dr. Ratey, has defined this as a shadow syndrome—where the person displays some of the symptoms of the mental health disorder, but not enough of them to be diagnosed as having the personality disorder itself. In other words, just as the abusive man you live with might exhibit some of the unhealthy traits of narcissism, but without being diagnosable as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the same might be true of you with regard to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

  Nevertheless, the borderline traits you have could be getting in your way of achieving or living the type of life you desire. By reading this article, though, not only should you begin to recognize them, but you’ll also know how to deal with them, too.

Would You Like to Know what BPD is?

         Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity.

      This personality disorder gained its name from the fact this particular mental illness was once thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis. But now we realize people with Borderline Personality Disorder suffer from problems with emotion regulation.

        This illness seems less well known than either schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness). Nevertheless, it’s actually more common. It affects two percent of adults, most of them young women. There’s a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts. And actually, some of those with this mental disorder will kill themselves. Thus, the person with Borderline Personality Disorder should seek mental health services. After all, with help, many of those suffering from this personality disorder do improve enough to lead productive lives.

Ever Noticed these Borderline Symptoms?

          The woman who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety. These can last anywhere from mere hours on upwards of five days. (In comparison, a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks). During this time, the woman may engage in episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Another common problem results in cognitive distortions. As a result of this, the young woman may change her long-term goals, career plans, her job, friendships, values, and even gender identity. These changes often then undermine the woman’s well-being.

         You’ve probably already concluded that the woman with Borderline Personality Disorder often engages in self-destructive behaviors, haven’t you? Well, you’re right about this. And it seems these stem largely from shame issues.

       The woman with Borderline Personality Disorder often views herself as fundamentally bad or as unworthy. Some authors in the self-help field have written about toxic shame, or how a person might have a shame core that drives her behavior. These feelings of shame—this shame core—causes her not only to feel badly about things she has done, or for which it might actually be reasonable to feel some guilt, but she experiences something more extreme. The woman with this personality disorder maintains a consistent sense of not being enough. In fact, author John Bradshaw suggests the person with a shame core might well feel like she’s the scum of the earth.

        This pervasive sense of never being enough—or of not being worthy of anything good—can drive the woman’s behavior. However, she isn’t aware of this. Well, at one level she might be aware of it, but at another, she deceives herself about what’s really happening. The bad news here is that she’s basically ruled day-to-day by that side of her that’s in denial. Sometimes, though, such as through an intervention, it’s possible to tap into that healthier side. Then, she might decide to pursue treatment.

         But let’s consider some of the behaviors the woman with Borderline Personality Disorder is incline d to engage in because she is driven by these feelings of shame—this shame core.

            She is apt to feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated. She’s also inclined to feel bored and empty. This seems to stem from the fact she has a poor sense of self; she doesn’t know who she is.

    These symptoms become most acute when the woman with Borderline Personality Disorder feels isolated and lacking in social support. In fact, at such times, she might engage in frantic efforts to avoid being alone. Except in reality, these women don’t handle relationships well at all.

       Women with BPD typically have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. They develop intense, but stormy, attachments. Furthermore, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved one are apt to suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike).

         The woman with Borderline Personality Disorder is inclined to form quick attachments to people shortly after meeting them. Initially, she tends to idealize the other individual. However, when even a very slight separation or conflict occurs, she‘s apt to switch unexpectedly to the other extreme; she’ll suddenly despise the person. Under such circumstances, she’s apt to angrily accuse the other individual of not caring for her at all.

      The individual with Borderline Personality Disorder is highly sensitive to rejection. Because of this, even with family members, she might react with anger and distress if any type of brief separation occurs, even if it is the result of the other going on vacation or a business trip, for instance.

        Why does the women with Borderline Personality Disorder behave this way Well, she has excessive fears of abandonment. However, while some people’s abandonment issues stem from being abandoned by parents as small children, her abandonment issues stem in part from the fact she has difficulty feeling emotionally connected to others when they’re not actually physically present. Furthermore, this happens despite the fact the person is someone very close to her, such as a partner or family members. But then, when that person is absent, the woman with BPD is apt to feel more lost and worthless than usual. As a result, at such times, she might well engage in suicide threats or attempts.

      What are some other behaviors women with Borderline Personality Disorder often engage in? Well, they tend to be impulsive people. As a result, the woman with this mental disorder--or some aspects of it—might engage in excessive spending, binge eating, and/or risky sex. (I’ve included another article about eating disorders at this site. It goes more into binge eating. After all, one doesn’t have to have this personality disorder to develop an eating disorder.  A woman experiencing emotional abuse, verbal abuse, or sexual abuse at the hands of her narcissistic partner might engage in such behavior since it provides temporary pain relief from the abusive relationship).

      It’s important to recognize that Borderline Personality Disorder often occurs together with other psychiatric problems. The most common ones are bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, or actually, other personality disorders.

 Why Some Women Develop this Personality Disorder & Others from Bad Backgrounds Don’t

      The cause of Borderline Personality Disorder is unknown. However, it’s thought that environmental and genetic factors play a role in predisposing individuals to BPD symptoms or traits. For example, we know that many women with Borderline Personality Disorder report a history of abuse, neglect, or separation as young children. In addition, up to seventy-one percent of BPD patients have reported being sexually abused, usually by a non-caregiver.    

     But of course, not everyone who has experienced one or more of these things in their background ends up suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. Thus, none of these are sufficient to be considered a cause of BPD, although they may certainly be associated with its development.

      What else might play a part in its development?

     Researchers believe that Borderline Personality Disorder results from the interplay of several things. For instance, the individual might already possess an unusual vulnerability to environmental stress because of her temperament or genetic make-up. Then, to make things only worse, she was neglected or abused as a young child. But in addition to these predisposing factors from her childhood, she is exposed to a series of events in her young adulthood that then trigger the onset of this personality disorder.

  Neuroscience research has recently revealed more things about Borderline Personality Disorder. For example, research has uncovered brain mechanisms that underlie the impulsivity, mood instability, aggression, anger, and negative emotion seen in BPD. This research suggests that people predisposed to impulsive aggression actually have impaired regulation of the neural circuits that modulate emotion. The brain of the person with BPD overreacts to things in the environment.

      Of course, this type of overreaction is already problematic. But such reactions are apt to be exacerbated when stress and alcohol are mixed into the picture. The problem is, women with BPD are more apt to abuse alcohol than the average woman. Then, they also get into relationships and life circumstances that create stress for them. Thus, women with borderline Personality Disorder often experience a vicious unending cycle of emotional upset.

 How Appropriate Drugs and Therapy Can Help

    There are steps to take to help deal with problems associated with Borderline Personality Disorder, however. Thus, a woman with this personality disorder—or just a number of its symptoms--should seek help from knowledgeable mental health professionals.

    She might be helped with drugs, for example. We now know that serotonin, norepinephrine, and acetylcholine are some of the chemical messengers in the circuits in the brain that play a role in the regulation of negative emotions. Thus, drugs which enhance brain serotonin function might improve the emotional symptoms a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder experiences Drugs that enhance the activity of GABA, the brain's major inhibitory neurotransmitter, might also help the woman who experiences strong and sudden mood swings.

    These brain-based vulnerabilities can be managed in another way, too. In fact, within the past fifteen years, a new psychosocial treatment, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), has been developed specifically to treat this personality disorder. Thus, a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder-- or symptoms of it—might benefit from seeking out a psychotherapist with expertise in this therapeutic approach as well as by talking with a psychiatrist regarding medication.

 Has any of this Struck a Chord with You?

     Do you believe you might have some borderline traits that are getting in your way of finding happiness in life? If so, again, I encourage you to seek out professionals who can help you discern what changes you might need to make both to change your behavior, as well as your brain’s reaction to life events.

     Except tell me, after just reading what I just wrote, did a voice start chattering away in your head, telling you that you’re not capable of anything else? Or, did it suggest that your life isn’t going to improve anyway, so what’s the use of trying to do anything differently?

    Well, if this happened, I want you to understand something. You might have to fight that chattering voice. After all, it believes that you don’t deserve a better life; it thinks you’re not worthy.

    Do you remember what I said earlier about some people being shame-based or having a shame core? Well, that might be something you face. And if you do, don’t be embarrassed by this; just accept what is and make a commitment to deal with it so you, not it, starts running your life.

    Personally, I had to strive to overcome a shame core myself. I’m not going to go into detail about it now. I talk about this in my book. But I mention it because I do want you to know that I understand at least some of what you face. I also hope my saying this might give you room for hope, too.

    Remember, you have to become aware of what’s driving you before you can start improving things for yourself. Fortunately, you’ve become more aware just by reading this article. But in order to help you feel more motivated to step onto that path where you strive to overcome the shame core that probably drives things, I want to tell you that indeed, you are worthy. You are worthy if for no other reason than you’re a human being walking the face of this earth.  That means you don’t have to have accomplished great things in order to deserve your own self-love or self-acceptance.

    Of course, I believe you’re deserving of other’s acceptance and love as well. But since you can’t control other people, but can only control yourself, you need to focus on giving yourself what you need. Thus, the best thing you can do for yourself now is to become a more loving and accepting person who wants only what’s best for you. But you might need professional help on how to better manage both your behavior and your brain.

    Are you hesitant to do this? Then think of yourself as an unfinished work of art. You have been sculpted a certain way by your past, and so you currently have a certain form. Nonetheless, more marble can be chiseled away. You don’t have to maintain the current form if you don’t like it. And quite frankly, I hope that you don’t. After all, I want you to become that wondrous woman I believe you were intended to become.

    So, will you fight the chattering voice, or anything else that gets in your way, and allow the masterpiece to unfold?

© 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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