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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

 “Do You Agree with These Comments Regarding Codependency and Control Issues”?

Some authors in the area of codependency (sometimes spelled co-dependency in the recovery field) have stated that people who are codependent engage in behaviors that are compulsive, maladaptive, or self-defeating. Because I have talked about some of these in another article also available at this website, what I’d like to do now is address another behavior often listed as well. After all, I’ve read that those exhibiting codependency are typically controlling. Have you heard this as well about codependents

I don’t know about you, but when I was married to an alcoholic who I believed displayed pathological narcissism, although perhaps not full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), I had some problems with this. Now, I realized I displayed some compulsive, maladaptive, and self-defeating behaviors. But I hardly thought I was controlling. How could I be when he was the one intent on controlling me?

I now look at things a little differently. Maybe what I’ve learned will help you, too.

As codependents expressing our codependency, we likely married the successful narcissistic men we did in part because of what they could provide us. I’m not suggesting that we were blatant gold-diggers. But we didn’t feel as good about ourselves as we might have, or as would have been desirable, either. We might have not been aware of this, though, that we didn’t feel good enough or worthy. We might have been unaware, too, that there were likely shame issues driving our behavior. And because of our own issues, we looked to our husbands and the enhanced status we’d gain through marriage to them, as well as the lifestyle with all its material things, to help define us and make us feel better about ourselves.

See, we turned to external things to squelch the pain--pan that threatened to overwhelm us otherwise. Certainly, these things worked initially to enhance our feelings of being safe, valuable, and loved. But then the tides turned, didn’t they? Because of his narcissism, addictions, and abuse, happiness and contentment turned to hurt and pain.

Actually, this is to be expected since we pursued external power rather than what’s sometimes called personal power, inner power, or authentic power. Well, and not only did we pursue and attain this, but what little personal power we had, we basically turned over to our narcissistic, addicted, and abusive spouses. Hence, the pain became even more immense.

While we reached outward rather than turning inward, we were trying to rearrange external circumstances to better please us. This suggests manipulation and control. Sure, we might not have used the same tactics that our abusive narcissistic husbands favored. This is also why we might not have seen our behaviors for what they were.

Now, that me step back a minute and clarify something because you might be getting the idea that I’m professing material things are inherently bad. No, I am not saying that. Preferring nice homes and other material things is not destructive. However, when the intent to gain them and maintain them exists because of a need to make yourself feel more whole and secure, then there is a problem. And if this is the case, what you have done, then you need to face your insecurities and learn how to overcome them from the inside out, not by trying to manipulate and control external things.

When we are suffering from codependency, we are in need of spiritual growth. Indeed, codependency is about spiritual bankruptcy. But then, so is your husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse.

In reality, most all of us are in need of enhanced spirituality. It just might be more obvious that those displaying narcissism, addictions, and abusive behavior have real problems. Indeed, as such men strive to control their wives through emotional abuse and verbal abuse, for example, it is more obvious that they have issues around power and control.

It’s harder to see that in actuality, as women displaying codependency, we do as well. It’s just our power and control issues don’t manifest in the ways you might either expect or accept as controlling behavior.

Are you unclear what I’m saying here? Well, let me try and explain.

Certainly, as the wife of a man who might be suffering from narcissism as well as alcoholism—plus has his abusive ways—you probably feel that your life and relationship are increasingly spinning out of control. Furthermore, this is a reasonable perception because in reality, it probably is. Also, as a result of living in this chaotic environment, you might engage in some rather strange behaviors. And if you’re like I was, they give you a false sense of control when indeed, you’re really quite powerless.

So what are some of the things a woman married to an alcoholic who’s also narcissistic might do, for example? Well, she could try to influence the amount her husband drinks by searching regularly for hidden bottles of alcohol, and then dumping them out. Or, if she is like I was, she might run around marking bottles he was drinking from—as well as searching for the empty bottles often hidden away versus in the trash—in order to track the amount he was drinking daily.

Of course, neither of these things I did made much sense. They didn’t impact the situation any. Really, how could the information I gathered—which was undoubtedly incomplete and inaccurate anyway—help me to control matters? Of course, it didn’t. It gave me a false sense of control over a situation that was quite out of hand. Since I was in denial about how out of control things really were, though, I suppose I thought that by doing what I was doing, I’d know when the tide had turned and things were truly worsening.

It wasn’t the marks on the bottles that told me things had gotten dangerously out of hand, however. It was a frightening incident that I write about in my book that became the wake-up call I’d listen to (since there’d been others I chose to ignore).

After this incident, I finally engaged in an intervention that got my spouse with his narcissism, addictions, and abusive ways into a treatment center. But it wasn’t until after he had taken off for the Mayo Clinic, or when things were quiet and peaceful about me, that I awakened to my own need to pursue the path of spiritual growth.

Yes, I finally accepted it was time to turn over pursuit of external power for enhanced spirituality. And to achieve spiritual growth, I needed to turn within, then discover and trust in a power greater than my mind and ego self.

Could it be time for you to do the same, perhaps? For despite the fact you don’t see yourself as manipulative and controlling, perhaps it is so—as it was with me. And while I still find myself reverting back to the old ways at times because it is a process and a journey, it’s certainly one I’d recommend.

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

© 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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