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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

“Stop Seeking Emotional Pain Relief  and Discover Your Pain's Message Instead!"

 Does your husband have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD? Well, perhaps he isn’t diagnosable as such, but does he display a lesser degree of narcissism that is nevertheless pathological? As a result of this, does he fly into narcissistic rages? Also, does alcoholism or other addictions exacerbate his abuse toward you?

Do you ever wonder if you can take another day of dealing with his narcissism, addictions, and abuse?

But then, do you start thinking about all you’d lose if you divorced your narcissistic spouse and started over again? Perhaps it seems like too much to give up. Therefore, you might convince yourself that things aren’t that bad—not really. After all, your man with his narcissism and addictions probably doesn’t engage in physical abuse. Plus, the emotional abuse and verbal abuse don’t occur all the time, right? There are even days when life seems quite normal, aren’t there?

Undoubtedly, you also cling to such days, don’t you?

But the days—those days when your narcissistic husband engages in emotional abuse or verbal abuse or psychological abuse or economic abuse or social abuse or sexual abuse—well, they certainly can be painful, can’t they?

It’s sometimes difficult to face up to the realities of your life circumstances. Many people won’t do it. They strive to remain unaware. They choose denial.

These people hope that whatever life throws their way, as stressful as it might be, that they’ll somehow survive it. Well, actually, they might take pride and pleasure in their ability to cope with challenging or painful circumstances.

Yes, one can take pride in her pain management skills. Or, if you’re like me, one can take a sick pleasure in playing the role of martyr, too.

I don’t recommend that you do the same as I did, however.

I’m going to suggest that today, you start facing up to the realities of your life with your narcissistic spouse, his addictions, and his abusive ways. Take stock of the dysfunction, and then own up to your emotional pain and hurt. Embrace your feelings of misery. And finally, ask yourself this question: Is how you’re living your life now how you want to keep living it?  Or, would you prefer to see change?

Indeed, you might feel like a real life desperate housewife.  Therefore, you might be seeking pain relief through less than desirous ways. Perhaps you abuse alcohol or prescription drugs yourself. Maybe you’re having an affair. Then again, do you overeat or shop till you drop?

Yes, you want pain relief. But are your pain relievers causing you problems, too? Is the misery in your life now about more than his narcissism, addictions, and abuse?

The thing about such pain management techniques is that while they keep the pain at bay for awhile, they won’t do so indefinitely. In time, the pain breaks through. Furthermore, it’s typically worse than it was to begin with. But again, your choice of pain reliever might have created new problems that added to your misery—that made you more of a desperate housewife, perhaps.

Maybe you needed that additional pain. After all, you wouldn’t wake up and hear the message your initial pain tried to give you, would you?

You must realize that pain is there for a reason. It’s your body’s way of telling you it’s time to wake up and change.

Sure, I know that it can be hard to change. Remember, I’ve lived with, and then left, a husband who was narcissistic, suffered from alcoholism and prescription drug addiction, and engaged in emotional abuse and verbal abuse. Thus, while I might not have dealt with exactly what you face now, I certainly have some understanding and can empathize.

I realize you’re probably trying to convince yourself it’s better to deal with the devil you know versus face that great unknown.  But have you ever considered that you can’t stop change from occurring anyway? Indeed, change is inevitable.

Certainly, many people acts as if change is the enemy. However, you can grow, or you can experience personal development and perhaps discover or enhance your spirituality because of seemingly negative experiences that force you to change. 

But tell me, have you ever considered you’re either changing for the good or else you’re stagnating? And actually, the universe doesn’t allow you to sit around and stagnate for long, either. In reality, if you refuse to wake up to your emotional pain and its message for change, you start slowly dying.

It’s usually a slow and agonizing death, too. Really, do you want that?

I didn’t think so.

 You Pain and Hurt: A Sign it’s Time for Change

Do you ever feel like you’re on a downhill slide and slowly dying inside? Nevertheless, do you tell yourself things are going to get better and thus, you don’t have to change after all?

Let me repeat myself: Life demands that we change.

Certainly, sometimes you’re allowed to sit still for awhile. You’re allowed to do nothing about improving things. And during such times, life can seem quite good. In fact, it might be so good that you want the current times to last forever.

But again, such times aren’t supposed to last. Well, they typically don’t, either.  Something happens that demands you wake up—that you make changes.

Except sometimes we all blatantly ignore such calls, wouldn’t you agree? Yes, we pull out our old preferred forms of pain relief instead. We want to use these pain relievers versus listen to the message behind our pain and hurt.

In fact, you’re probably doing that right now, aren’t you?

So, let me warn you about something. When you ignore wake-up calls, there’s usually another that follows in the future, and it’s worse than what you ignored by engaging in your own system of pain management.

Let’s consider a possible example.

Imagine your alcoholic spouse gets a ticket for drinking under the influence of alcohol, but you hire an expensive attorney who sees to it that there are no significant repercussions for this incident. You both think this is positive, and are glad that you have the power and money to accomplish such things. But then, because your husband is still suffering from narcissism and alcoholism, he gets into his car again after he has been drinking. Except this time, he causes an accident. He also kills several people.

Okay, perhaps if you ignore a wake-up call, your follow-up call won’t be so tragic. But then again, it certainly could be.

Why even take that risk? Why not wake up now to the fact you’re trying to squelch the pain created by marriage to a man displaying narcissism, addictions, and abuse? Indeed, realize that your pain is a wake-up call, and it is telling you that you have more than a few marital problems; you’re dealing with several destructive things—his narcissism, addictions, and abuse. Also, it’s time to stop enduring the toxicity this concoction breeds, too.

Now, don’t worry about causality, such as if he’s abusive because he’s alcoholic, or if he was already engaged in emotional abuse and verbal abuse beforehand, but then his alcoholism exacerbated matters. What’s important is owning up to the misery you feel, and realizing it stems from living with this blend of narcissism, addictions, and abuse. Oh, and don’t minimize the abuse because it isn’t physical—stressing it’s only emotional abuse, verbal abuse, or sexual abuse, for instance.

When you get honest about your life circumstances, you might also conclude that no one should have to live the way you’ve been living, either. You might conclude you’re entitled to love, and you shouldn’t settle for his emotional abuse and verbal abuse in lieu of it.

Well, perhaps how you’re living shouldn’t be referred to as living at all. After all, it’s actually dying—that slow and painful death.

Of course, you might find it hard to consider leaving your husband and starting over on your own. And quite frankly, some women die because they never could bring themselves to leave and divorce these men who were so destructive because of narcissism, addictions, and abuse. And I’m not talking about women killed by abusive husbands, either. Instead, these women died from illnesses, accidents, or self-destructive behaviors such as alcoholism or drug abuse.

Such women chose to remain in denial. They chose to use self-destructive means of pain relief. Then, they paid with their lives because they wouldn’t wake up to the true reality of their life circumstances.

No, they wouldn’t deal with the true destructiveness of living with a man with narcissism, addictions, and abuse.

They thought they could discover their own form of pain reliever or pain management system, thus making it feasible to stay. After all, they probably feared making changes. This also suggests they didn’t have faith and trust in themselves-- or in the universe or a higher power, for that matter.

They didn’t realize that when you heed the message or lesson of the pain, that often you are propelled forward to a new way of being. As a result, you might well experience life circumstances that you couldn’t have dreamed of for yourself previously.

Plus, is your husband, your marriage, or your lifestyle really worth your potential mental or physical destruction.

I know, you probably don’t believe that such a thing could possibly happen to you. And of course, maybe it won’t. But then again, by the time things have deteriorated that far, you might not have the strength or capacity to help yourself. You might feel too weak or depressed to pull yourself out of the toxicity, and then start over again.

And do remember, if you think things are bad now, realize that over time, they’ll probably only worsen. Typically, that’s the way with addictions and abuse. Therefore, sometimes it’s better to get out sooner rather than later. 

 “Why Should I be the One Who has to Start Over?”

I know, you fear losing the lifestyle you so dearly love, don’t you? Trust me; I can understand that, too. But please, don’t focus merely on that. Think about the emotional and physical costs you pay daily to maintain it. In actuality, the cost might be quite high, even if you minimize it because he doesn’t engage in physical abuse, for example.

 You’re forgetting the lasting impact of being plummeted with emotional abuse and verbal abuse daily.

Now, again, I’m not going to criticize you for ignoring the costs up to now. See, I did that as well.  After all, I didn’t want to give up the family that marriage to him provided me.  I liked my friends and lifestyle. But I also found it hard to get myself to walk away from a house that has been remodeled, redecorated, and then landscaped to near perfection because I had overseen the work myself for a couple of years. No, I didn’t want to forsake my masterpiece for a simple apartment.

And I particularly didn’t want to give up everything I had to when I felt that the reason we’d had an unhappy marriage anyway was because of his narcissism, addictions, and abuse. (He was sober when I left, but I felt I couldn’t risk staying and going through all that again—something likely because the chances of relapse with alcoholics and addicts is great. Plus, even after my husband was sober, the emotional abuse and verbal abuse continued).

Indeed, you too have been a victim of your husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse. But the thing is, as long as you stay in the masterpiece you’ve undoubtedly created, you’ll probably continue to be the victim of his narcissism, addictions, and abuse, too.

In my case, I actually moved from my masterpiece to a small two-bedroom apartment. Furthermore, it wasn’t even in a luxury apartment complex. After all, I had no idea what my future financial circumstances would be. I wasn’t working at the time I chose to leave my husband. It behooved me to be fiscally conservative, even though the change in lifestyle was dramatic.

Again, I was not happy that I had to do this, and especially not when I saw my husband with his narcissism, addiction history, and abusive ways as the problem. It seemed unfair that I was the one squeezed out, or that I was the one having to suffer so many negative consequences when he’d behaved so badly.

Indeed, it seemed so unfair.

But in reality, life often isn’t fair. Rather, it just is. Furthermore, for our own well-being and happiness, it helps to accept this fact, and then simply go along with what life demands.

Remember, I’m not talking about enduring the hurt and pain of his emotional abuse and verbal abuse, for example. Again, I’m asking you to see that pain and hurt as a wake-up call that you can’t keep living your life as you’re doing now.  Instead, heed the wake-up call to change.

 Do you Need to Face up to Codependency or the Need for Enhanced spirituality, Perhaps?

The pain might be calling you to wake up and take note of your codependency (sometimes spelled co-dependency by authors in the recovery field), for instance. Except there could be another problem underlying that, actually. I prefer to think of codependency as stemming from spiritual bankruptcy.

The concepts of codependency and spiritual bankruptcy are hefty topics to delve into. Thus, I’m not going to do that here, although I talk about them in other articles I’ve written, plus I certainly cover these in my book, Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Housewife.  Therefore, I’m going to suggest that you read about both codependency and the pursuit of spirituality in these. After all, they’ll give you a sense of why you’re in a painful marriage with a man exhibiting narcissism, addictions, and abusive ways—as well as where you can go from here.

Like me, you might leave your narcissistic, addicted, and abusive husband and then seek inspiration and more joy through walking the spiritual path instead. Then, as you stroll further and further down that path, you might find that life presents you with opportunities you never could have dreamed possible for yourself previously. Well, especially not during those years you were the victim of his narcissism, addictions, and abuse

So, are you ready to embrace change as well as personal and spiritual growth? Or, are you content to die a slow and agonizing death?

Joy is supposed to be yours—not the emotional pain of living with a husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse. Thus, I hope you finally choose to move forward and create different life circumstances that provide this for you!

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

 © 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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