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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

“Enjoy the True Spirit of the Holidays Despite Your Narcissistic Spouse’s Demands”

Forget about pleasing your narcissistic and addicted spouse, and decide this year to enjoy the true spirit of the holidays. After all, they're supposed to be about connection and love. But such ideas are foreign to those displaying narcissism, wouldn't you agree? Thus, forget about striving for the perfection the narcissist demands. Instead, slow down and remember what makes for a beautiful life.

I know, you think you don’t have a moment to spare this time of year. In fact, you might believe you must do things even faster yet. Nevertheless, seek to enjoy the moment more.

If you discover you can’t do this, however, then perhaps you should reevaluate all those activities you’ve deemed essential. For example, are you dedicating your time and resources to things and people truly significant in your life? Certainly, it’s good to be of service to others. But some people are so focused on helping strangers, for example, that members of their own family suffer. You really don’t want this, do you?

By the way, don’t think this means you must struggle even more to meet the needs of your demanding spouse, driven by his narcissism. That’s not what I’m talking about here. Actually, I’m thinking more about your children, especially since they probably already suffer because their father is a narcissist. And of course, take care of yourself.

Remember, holidays can provide children with many lasting memories. Are you ensuring they’re happy ones, or are you setting the stage for those the children might struggle to forget?

You can create great memories for children rather easily and inexpensively, too. Did you realize that probably more than anything else, they want to spend quality time with you? Thus, they might enjoy such things as decorating the house together, baking cookies and other holiday goodies, making crafts, or taking a drive and seeing all the beautiful ways people in town have decorated for the holidays.

Are you stumped for ideas as to what to do with your children? Ask them for ideas. What they come up with might surprise you. Or, think back to your own childhood. What things did you like to do?

In my family, we used to make our own Christmas wreaths. We did this with another family. Now, this was years ago when it was possible to go out and find the greens. Perhaps instead, you could make an outing to a Christmas tree farm where you can buy one tree for the house and another to chop up to make that wreath? Or, perhaps you can find something else to make together instead. I also have fond memories of making Christmas candles, for example.

Actually, the activity is probably less important than the sense of connection doing an activity together provides. Well, there is also something to be said for developing an activity that can become a holiday ritual. After all, rituals are important to children.

Your narcissistic spouse might not favor them, of course. But again, you are not doing them to please him. Remember, the person displaying narcissism probably can’t be pleased. so, you're doing these things to create memories for your children. You want them to see the holidays as special, and you want them to get into the spirit of celebration. All days shouldn’t be treated as equal. That makes life too mundane and dull. Yes, it's fun for them to have something they can look forward to every year that you all do together.

Of course, you don’t have to try and emulate what Martha Stewart and her huge staff can accomplish in order to make the holidays special, either. In fact, if you’re trying to do that, and this is the reason you find the holidays stressful and they put you in a bad mood, decide to stop and simplify things right now.

Get back into the true spirit of the holidays. Make them about connection and love, not perfection. That’s what the narcissist in your life might have you believe is important, but of course, it is not.

So go now and talk to your children about what family ritual they'd like to develop this year. After all, those are the things of which fond memories are made.

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

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