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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

 “Why, Even after Treatment, You Should Expect Your Partner to Relapse”

It’s not what you want to hear, but it is something you need to hear nonetheless. If you are about to send your partner into a treatment program for his pain killer addiction, for example, this probably won’t be the last time you have this experience—not if the two of you remain together, that is. It might be sad, but it is true that probably only twenty percent of the people who go through an alcohol or drug addiction treatment program will still be off the chemical substance a year later.

 Why is relapse such a problem for those suffering from alcoholism and drug addiction? This is something we’re still struggling to understand.

 Sometimes the Cravings Never Die

 We know that addicts often suffer cravings for their drug of choice long after abstinence is gained. Some people hunger for the substance even years later. Scientists suspect this might be due to changes that occur in the brain as a result of the use of the chemical substance. The brain gets used to functioning with the drug, and it seems to lose its ability to do so without that chemical substance.

We also suspect that cravings are aroused by cues that the addict might encounter during his drug-free life. These might be people, places, and things that are associated with the former life of drugs. We know now from brain scans that, even if the brain is exposed to an image for such a short time a normal brain might not react to the image, the brain of the recovering addict is activated by it. The addict’s brain lights up in places and ways the brain of someone without an addiction history will not. So, we assume the brain is remembering those highs, and the person feels the urge to use once again because of how the brain was stimulated or activated by those cues.

Conversations with recovering addicts basically confirm this, too. Some of the honest ones will tell you that when they see images of themselves using drugs during their times of heavy usage, for instance, they can not watch these without remembering how great the high or rush was. You or I might be disgusted by the images, but their brains appear to have a different reaction. Their brains respond to the pleasure, not all the pain the addiction brought with it as well.

Recovering Addicts Must Change 
their Playpens and their Pl aymates

The person in recovery, after coming out of a treatment program, can not safely return to those places and those people associated with drug use. In Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), they tell people they must totally change their playpens and play mates. To do otherwise, is to ask for immediate relapse.

It helps the recovering alcoholic or drug addict to be with others in support groups such as AA. These should be people who want not to talk about the glory days of drug use, but to remind themselves of all the pain or the hell they ultimately went through instead. After all, most of those who go into treatment have hit bottom—or are close enough to it that they realize the drug has turned on them, and it is no longer their friend. All that has become associated with the pain killer addiction, for instance, is more emotionally painful yet than the emotional pain escaped through the short-lived drug high.

Of course, this won’t stop most from slipping back to alcohol or drug use. But it will help some stick with a recovery program.

 Physiologic Response is Associated 
with the Drug of Choice

 The addict’s response does appear to be specific to their drug of choice. When a cocaine addict observes environmental cues related to cocaine use, there are anticipatory reactions triggered in the person. Examples of these are changes in heart rate, blood pressure, and pupil size. However, the cocaine addict will not respond in this way to cues applicable to heroin use and abuse, for example.

Most addicts don’t relapse merely because they’ve been exposed to such images, though. Most take to using the drug of choice again when they are in a negative mood state.  And actually, it is not like the addict just feels down one afternoon, either. Normally, something has happened that the person finds difficult to cope with—such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, or other challenging economic or social stresses. In other words, it takes more than seeing someone else get high or connecting with a former buddy from the using days.

The problem with a relapse is it is usually a quick downhill slide. It is almost as if the person is bound and determined to make up for lost time. So, while it might have taken the person years to get to a certain level of use of the substance, soon the person is back at that same level of use. Indeed, it can seem almost immediate.

It is important for the person to try and do something about his relapse immediately—to avoid the above scenario. Then, it becomes more of a stumble versus a fall into that black hole out of which the addict will never return. It is important for the addict to try and understand why the relapse occurred. This can help the addict come up with an action plan to implement the moment another urge might be felt in the future. For example, he might develop self talk that involves arguing back against the urge; a plan for staying out of high risk situations; and ways to deal better with stressful situations that will likely arise at some point since life throws us all curves.

You might be able to help your partner to develop such strategies. Perhaps there is a role to which you commit—that you agree to play. Just make sure, though, that you don’t just continue to play the role of enabler, or one who will absorb his blame and shame. This is not healthy for either of you.

Relapse is his problem. You can decide to either help or hinder the process, however. Then again, be prepared that he might make it impossible for you to be a supportive and helpful partner—so he can continue to play the blame game and shirk responsibility. If that is the case, you might ask yourself” Do I want to be around for the relapses that will inevitably follow?

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

 
© 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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