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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

“How to Discover Pain Relief without a Pill”

Do you ever hear a soft voice telling you it’s time to wake up to the realities of your life, or that for your own good, you must face the destructiveness of your marriage? Nevertheless, do you ignore it and go on with life as usual, as painful as it can be? Maybe you tell yourself something like it’s better to deal with the devil you know than jump into the great unknown? Or, perhaps you believe you’ll only be trading one set or problems for another set?

 
You’re forgetting something, though. Sometimes you trade in one set of painful and destructive problems—such as being the recipient of verbal abuse and emotional abuse and economic abuse and sexual abuse--as well as having to deal with the repercussions of his alcoholism and sexual addiction, for example—and replace them with others that are challenging, but exhilarating. After all, while those you’re experiencing now only continue to diminish you as a person, or they take you further and further away from recognizing, honoring, and living as the woman I think you were intended to be, the new set of problems might well help you to blossom. In other words, they might give you a better sense of yourself—as a woman with the personal power to create a life that nourishes her soul versus increasingly strangles it.

 Which set of problems would you rather have to deal with?

Truths about Change

So many people live in fear. It’s as if they’re convinced that something even worse will replace what they’ve already been experiencing. But actually, that’s what’s apt to happen when you try to hold onto something after the universe has given you clues that it’s time to let it go. Yes, you’ll experience worse or more painful things yet. In fact, it’s as if the universe is forcing you to shift into another way of living or being because you’ve refused to take action on your own.

In actuality, change is inevitable. It will occur whether we fight it or cooperate. Except usually when we fail to cooperate, again, there are negative repercussions that might have been avoided by taking action sooner.

Let me clarify something, however, since I don’t want you to misinterpret what I just said.

Sometimes other people ask us to change—or even basically demand that we do. In fact, they might threaten negative consequences if we don’t (and may even follow through on those). Certainly, I’m not talking about these types of changes demanded by others. After all, they might go against who you are as a person, for example. And certainly, it’s better to honor your values--if they are indeed your values and not some you merely absorbed from parents and authority figures years ago, and have never reevaluated—than to just change because it will reward another person in some way, but harm you. No, that’s not what I’m talking about—those types of changes you’ve undoubtedly been making in your marriage to try and please your narcissistic husband who can’t be pleased.

I’m referring to something quite different, actually.

I’m talking about the type of changes that the soft voice within might be pushing you to make. And if you haven’t heard this voice, but are in immense emotional pain, then listen to that pain instead. Realize it has a message for you. 

See, life should be filled with more joy and contentment than pain. Just as physical pain tells you there’s something wrong with your body or how you’re currently treating it, emotional pain signifies there’s something wrong with how you’re currently living your life.

 What are Your Life Circumstances Telling You?

 Tell me, do you ever feel like you’re on a downhill slide and slowly dying inside? Nevertheless, have you been trying to convince yourself that things are going to get better and thus, you don’t have to change after all?

Except let me repeat what I said earlier: Life seems to demand that we change. In fact, you’re either changing for the good or else you’re dying.

Of course, sometimes we’re allowed to sit still for awhile and do nothing. You might compare it to how plants may lie dormant before they burst forth with new life come springtime. But they either do that or else they die, isn’t that so?

If we elect to remain in a state of inertia and do nothing, again, as I stated before, it seems that ultimately something will occur that basically mandates that we change. Of course, some people ignore these wake-up calls. For example, have you ever heard about an individual who has a massive heart attack but then, even after having surgery for this problem, still elected to do nothing to change an unhealthy or stressful lifestyle? The individual obviously expected surgery to be the sole answer. This individual failed to realize, however, that the heart attack was a symptom of a more major problem—a need to make significant life changes because the current lifestyle was basically deadly.

So truthfully, do you think you could be doing the same thing, or ignoring the deadliness of your marriage and the wake-up call your emotional pain (depression hurts) is trying to give you? For your own well being, should you be living differently?

I know I initially did this—tried to stuff my pain or escape it through techniques such as more and more shopping—versus waking up and taking note of it. I also know other women who did the same thing. And of course, other women are currently doing this.

Are you one of these women?

Please, Don’t Ignore the Costs

If you are, don’t beat yourself up about this, either. Just admit to yourself that your means of pain relief is harming rather than helping you. As Dr. Phil might suggest, it is time to get real.

You might have to acknowledge, as I finally did, that you rather dislike being forced to give up a life and lifestyle you love because of your husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse. It just doesn’t seem fair. And so maybe you’re intent to stick it out; you’re not going to let the person he chooses to be force you into doing something you’d rather not do—give up your life and start over again-- while he gets to go merrily on his way.

Except living with him is likely destroying you in ways you might not even recognize. The repercussions might show up later, when it is too late to do anything about the damage that’s already taken place.

Indeed, you’re probably paying a high price to maintain your lifestyle. And in a state of constant anxiety--something you’re probably typically in if you’re anything like I was--you’re hardly in a position to enjoy it anyway, right?

Yes, you must get real with yourself and the price you’re paying for the life you currently lead. Also, if you’re tempted to minimize what’s really going on, remind yourself that men with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)--or even lesser degrees of narcissism--rarely change. In fact, the verbal abuse, emotional abuse, economic abuse, or sexual abuse will probably only worsen over time. Well, so will his addictions and the negative repercussions of his alcoholism and sexual addiction, for instance.

Is this how you want to lead your life?

Starting over isn’t easy; I’m not going to kid you about that. There undoubtedly will be challenging times. But all of your days won’t be that way. In time, it should grow easier. And again, you might even discover that, having been forced to make this change because of his narcissism, addictions, and abuse, that there is still joy and contentment to be had. Of course, they were impossible to experience while living with a man whose narcissism and addictions only fed emotional abuse and verbal abuse—that then kept you in a constant state of fear and anxiety.

Is it worth temporary discomfort to rid yourself of these destructive companions? Could you enjoy permanent pain relief versus settling for your current ineffective techniques of pain management?

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

 © 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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