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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

“How to Find More Meaning in Life”

Have you ever asked yourself: Is this all there is? If so, you’re obviously not satisfied with your life as your living it. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t successful or that you’re not living the epitome of the American Dream, for example. You very well could have a fine lifestyle. Nevertheless, it just doesn’t seem to be enough to you. You have this longing for something more.

Perhaps you feel you haven’t really discovered or tried to live up to your fill potential? Perhaps you feel you ignored long held dreams?

You should trust your feelings. Acknowledge your sadness or sense of emptiness. Listen to your anger. They might be there to wake you up to the fact there’s a part of you that you have been ignoring. Furthermore, it might be time to attend to it now.

Indeed, it might be time to discover your real self. And after you do, you probably will feel more satisfied. You also might decide your life finally has meaning as well.

 Did You Know Many People Live as False Selves?

 It seems that increasingly in this country, people don’t live life as their real or authentic selves. This also means they don’t come to know and use their unique gifts, the ones they’re supposed to develop and allow to blossom forth. Instead, they live life as false selves.

Why does this happen? Well, it seems to be the product of early childhood experiences. Things that happened often prior to the age of three that you won’t even remember. Nevertheless, those things impacted you.

Some people are impacted in such a way that they feel inferior ro others. There’s this sense of not being enough, if not absolutely worthless. And as a result of these feelings, it is also possible to engage in behaviors that basically prove this to yourself. We call these self-destructive or self-sabotaging behaviors. But these behaviors don’t represent who you really are. They are the product of a false versus an authentic self.

Some people seem to have no problems with feelings of self-worth at all. They not only ace as if they’re superior beings, but they believe it. Nevertheless, this isn’t who they are, either. After all, they are humans. This means they aren’t perfect and can’t be perfect. But rather than recognize this fact, if something goes haywire, they’re inclined to blame another or the population at large, for example. They don’t take responsibility for their foibles.

Those who live life presenting this image of the perfect man or women—and often appearing nearly so to the rest of us—are those who we typically label as narcissistic or as suffering from some degree of unhealthy narcissism, even if not full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

People who live their lives as false selves don’t all look the same. We often look up to and admire those who are narcissistic.

If we live with them, we often have a different perception of the individual than those who only meet the nice façade. We know the pain and misery of living with this type of false self who often engages in abusive behavior and narcissistic rage when he doesn’t get his way or isn’t admired enough by his spouse, for example.

Of course, some people are more fortunate. They often have had an opportunity as children to explore and come to know what they have passion about and thus, are typically good at as well. Certainly, not everyone with gifts, however, is a child prodigy like Mozart. The child might need to take lessons and practice to develop those talents. But whereas someone without such gifts might find this process demands discipline and sacrifice, the individual developing those unique talents probably will not resent the process. Sure, there might be times when some of the demands are resented. But for the most part, what might seem like work or painful to others who lack such talent, will seem more like play to the individual who has discovered her passion.

It is a blessing to know who you’re supposed to be and then go on and live that with joy in your heart. But again, many people are not so fortunate. At least, they aren’t initially. In time, perhaps at midlife, the individual will embrace her authentic self and blossom.

Some people, who once seemed condemned to always live as false selves, and never discover their authentic selves, are people with personality disorders. But now we know that many of these people can be helped through therapy. The problem is that many of the people with a personality disorder won’t seek help or stay with therapy when they do. They elect to go back to their self-destructive ways versus engage in the effort it takes to change. Perhaps they think they’re avoiding pain by choosing to remain the same. But in actuality, they end up living miserable lives, or making others around them miserable, when perhaps this wasn’t necessary. They might have moved beyond the personality disorder and the false self to discover the authentic self instead.

 Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

 © 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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