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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

 “Does He Engage in Verbal Abuse?”

I remember this particular group therapy session. There were probably six of us there that day. Most of us were struggling to bring ourselves to divorce our financially successful but abusive narcissistic husbands, several of whom were alcoholics as well. One of the women walked into the group session waving a book enthusiastically. Reading this book had created a shift for her. Now, she had no doubt she was being verbally abused regularly. Furthermore, she wasn’t going to take it any longer. She was finally ready to make an appointment with a divorce attorney.

This woman thought this book was so good and so valuable that she’d bought copies for each of us. Quickly, and with excitement in her voice, she passed them around and told us she hoped that by reading this book, we too would become certain about what we’d been going through, or why we felt so bad all the time. She wanted this book to be our wake-up call to action, just as it had been for her.

It was the first time I was ever exposed to the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. It would become my favorite book to recommend to other women who needed to be jolted into reality regarding the true nature of their relationship.

While I was overseas working as a contractor in the area of domestic violence for the military (basically because it had been my dream to live and work in Europe, and I could now do this since I was divorced and had the energy to follow this dream), I recommended it to our therapists.  One woman who borrowed one of my copies was a high-level officer’s wife. When it came time for them to move to the next base, I had to chase down that book. As a woman evidentally in a verbally abusive relationship, I'm sure she wanted to keep it handy for reference regularly. It probably offered proof that so much of what her partner said had little to do with her actions. The book helps open your eyes to the fact verbally abusive men say pretty much the same things.

That's why I like Patricia Evans's book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, so much. She lays out the words these men say, and she doesn't try to clean up their language or minimize the sting of their words, either. The scenarios might seem shocking to a woman who has never been in a verbally abusive relationship, but it speaks to those of us who have. We are just amazed because it's as if someone has been in our home taping the verbal abuse our husbands project at us regularly.

But then, these men do say practically identical things. You’d think they’d all been to abuse school, and then not only memorized the words to say, but the best way to zing them at their partners, too!

I was shocked when I first read this book, though. At that time I was naive enough about all of this to think that some of what I’d been experiencing was probably unique. But as I read the scenarios, I realized this simply wasn’t true. 

I came across one blurb that particularly struck me. This woman had basically been reprimanded and abused for the identical thing I had, and with the exact same words. Really, in that entire paragraph of disparaging words that her husband shouted at her that day, it seemed there was only one that was different from what my own husband had screamed at me.

I asked myself, How could another woman have experienced something practically identical to what I’d suffered through?

Of course, I now accept that these men act so much the same even though I can’t explain why. It still doesn’t make sense to me. But that doesn’t change the reality of the situation, that there is so much similarity. And when you read Patricia’s book and others dealing with verbal abuse or emotional abuse, you’ll come to see that your relationship isn’t that different from other verbally abusive or emotionally abusive relationships.

There are other women out there who understand.

There are even more women who would understand that they understand if they could only bring themselves to admit the realities they face, as well as how painful they truly are.

It’s certainly your life and ultimately, you have to decide how to live it. But if you’re confused about why you feel bad, or you just can’t bring yourself to believe that the nice guy you married could honestly mean some of the cruel things he says—you might want to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship. And if you want proof that I know what I’m talking about—plus you need to be provided with some hope that there can be a good life after you leave your husband (if you choose to do that, of course), or that new opportunities might open up to you that you can’t even imagine right now, then buy my book and read it now.

 Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

© 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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