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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

“Narcissism and Winning: Things to Know”

 Have you noticed that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD (or lesser degrees of narcissism that still aren’t healthy) are often competitive? In turn, has that got you wondering if a competitive nature suggests narcissism?

Well, it could. But just as the level of a person’s narcissism can be either healthy or unhealthy, it’s that way with competitiveness, too. 

Narcissistic people are often highly competitive.  Basically, they see life as a contest. Furthermore, narcissists believe they must win because narcissists use winning as a means of proving uniqueness and perfection, as well as to draw out the adulation of others.

See, the narcissist’s personality is based on a defensive false self that must be kept inflated. This ensures he doesn’t have to deal with either the rage or depression that lurks beneath his created perfect image.

Behind this created image that the narcissist projects, there’s actually an inadequate and fragmented sense of self. In other words, the narcissist doesn’t have a good idea of who is or what he’s about. He also doesn’t love himself. Rather, there’s a sense of not being worthy or enough.

At the core of the narcissist are feelings of shame. Some writers speak of those having unhealthy narcissism as possessing a shame core.

As long as the narcissist approaches life as a competition and feels he is winning at it, he doesn’t have to deal with these negative consequences of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or lesser forms of unhealthy narcissism). Instead, he goes on feeling self-important, grandiose, and omnipotent.

Of course, people with healthy levels of narcissism might be competitive and like to win as well. However, they are probably seeking different results than the narcissists. Such people might like to be perceived as experts at what they do, for example, because this facilitates opportunities to engage in more work that they love and feel makes a difference in this world. Or, they might know that through achieving excellence, they could receive an added boost in income that provides the means to send their children to better schools, for instance. 

Unlike those displaying unhealthy narcissism, the primary goals behind winning aren’t to gather accolades or prove uniqueness and superiority to others.

The crafted defensive false self of the narcissist is based on a grandiose fantasy, not on reality. As I’ve alluded to already, its purpose is to ward off depression. And as long as the narcissist gets the supply needed to keep his bubble of uniqueness and superiority from bursting, it will work for him, too.

Now, gaining this needed supply involves not merely being perceived as perfect himself. No, there’s more to it than that. The narcissist has a need to be surrounded by perfection. In other words, he wants the people around him to be special and unique, too. Thus, he’ll try and associate with the famous, those of great wealth, those of high status, and women who are unusually beautiful, for example. He’ll also want to own the most expensive and desirable car, the biggest and grandest house that is furnished with beautiful and unique things that others might envy, and he’ll want to wear expensive and stylish clothes that make a statement not only about his wealth and accomplishments, but about his level of taste, too.

As a result of these needs and the lifestyle they lead to, many people who don’t display unhealthy narcissism might perceive the narcissist and what he seeks from life as being shallow and superficial. But again, to the individual with unhealthy levels of narcissism, this is all very important. Yes, the wealth, power, and beauty in those who are part of his life must be a fit with his idea of perfection. After all, their perfection helps the narcissist justify his own grandiose self-image.

Of course, just as there are people who are competitive who are not narcissists, there are people who strive for perfection who aren’t narcissists, either. Also, those who aren’t narcissistic realize what they’re doing, too. Well, they also know that in reality, perfection isn’t attainable.

Narcissists, however, typically believe they are perfect.

Actually, many displaying narcissism claim perfection rather than striving to achieve it. Thus, while more normal people might suffer the ups and downs inherent in pursuing goals and achieving dreams, the narcissistic expect to be granted what they want, and merely because of their perceived uniqueness and superiority. They expect to win, but they don’t engage in those behaviors that true winners do. Also, many don’t have the right stuff. Nevertheless, they will feel entitled to whatever they want to have in life.

Certainly, some who are narcissistic are able to create a match between their perceptions of the world and their place in it. Because to accomplish what they have often requires being imaginative, creative, and talented, many of these narcissistic individuals don’t question their sense of importance. And of course, their lifestyles can look very good. It does often appear that indeed, they do have it all.

The narcissist who develops and sustains such a lifestyle might feel secure. He’ll also probably believe he lacks any severe personality problems. And certainly, he would never consider that he might suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or perhaps, what might be considered a shadow syndrome of this personality disorder.

No, he’ll profess he has it all. Furthermore, the narcissist’s friends will probably mirror his beliefs.

Now, should this person displaying unhealthy levels of narcissism ever encounter any problems or setbacks, he won’t consider personal weakness or a flawed self-concept as a causative factor. Instead, he’ll see these problems or setbacks as caused by others. Well, sometimes he’ll attribute then to world conditions in general.

Sometimes, however, a narcissist might be unable to create and maintain the type of lifestyle that provides the needed ongoing narcissistic supply. As a result, he might not be able to continue to survive in a bubble of delusion. Then, depression might arise.

Once the false self has failed him in this way, the narcissist might enter therapy and begin the process of excavating his real self.

If reading this gives you a sense of hope that the narcissist you’re married to is going to change, you might want to calm yourself down. After all, the narcissistic man usually won’t change and move beyond his anger. Remember, for him, anger is an acceptable emotion. Why? Well, because his anger basically proves to the narcissist that indeed, he has been wronged. Thus, reacting with anger is a sign of strength. However, if he were to allow depression to manifest, this would be a sign of weakness in the narcissist’s eyes.

How could a narcissist who perceives himself as perfect—and needs to have others see him similarly—ever allow that? Again, he typically won’t. Furthermore, because he won’t allow himself to feel or experience that depression, then allow this pain to stir him on to personal development and spiritual growth, he probably won’t change.

Sad, but also true. And of course, this is a truth you need to face for your own good, don’t you imagine?

 This article first appeared on a blog signed as:

 Diane England, Ph.D.
The Blog Doctor on Narcissism who Understands
Providing Information for Women Needing Emotional Pain Relief
Because of His Narcissism, Addictions, and Abuse

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

© 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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