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Married To A Narcissist and Waiting for the Good Times to Return?

 

>This is an article I wrote and posted to www.SelfGrowth.com in October, 2007. While you can still find it there--as well as other artcles I wrote for that site--I decided to include it here and to show the comments it had generated as of August 1, 2011.(Now, you can add your own comment at the end of that listing of previous comments.) It was nice that so many took the time to share their comments--and it would be nice if you do the same. Others will invariably be helped by not only reading the article, but by seeing yours and others' comments, too. If they ever thought that they were alone in what they've been facing, well, they shouldn't be after reading what all of you who've taken the time to post have had to say. --Diane England, Ph.D.

When you said your vows, what were you expecting? I suspect if you were like most women, you thought you were entering a partnership. You would enjoy shared power, right?

I bet you’ve discovered something quite different, though. I bet he likes to have power over you, isn’t that so? And to ensure he achieves and maintains this, he might well use emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and even sexual abuse, too.

The thing is, you might not even realize that your relationship with your narcissistic spouse is filled with these forms of abuse. You might feel badly or experience emotional pain much of the time, but still not understand why. You might well believe your narcissistic spouse when he tells you how you are the problem, and if you just changed and did these things he wanted, well, life would be grand.

For him, that is.

He keeps emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse in his marital toolbox because they work for him. Meanwhile, you believe that the two of you have a partnership.

Sorry, but a relationship with a narcissist is not about partnership. Those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism don’t know what that means. They are self centered. They lack empathy. And more than anything else, they are grandiose. Whether successful or not, they feel entitled to have what they want when they want it.

Rather like the two-year-old.

The narcissistic throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want, too. The difference is, they scream more than how they hate you; those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism are inclined to scream obscenities and other hurtful things. All of them help your self esteem to plunge, plus make the anxiety butterflies swirl, wouldn’t you agree?

Let me back up a minute here, though. Perhaps you might want to argue that your spouse has never been diagnosed with any mental health problems, and especially not Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD. Please realize, however, that narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic symptoms can occur in varying degrees. So, someone need not be diagnosable as having full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder to display what you’ll see referred to in various internet articles as unhealthy, pathological, or malignant narcissism. However, even lesser degrees of narcissism can be problematic in your relationship.

I might not have to tell you that. Then again, have you ever suspected your spouse’s emotional abuse and sexual abuse, for example, were associated with pathological levels of narcissism?

So, how many of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder must your narcissistic spouse meet in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for you to be the victim of his narcissism—which could be fueling his abuse plus perhaps alcoholism or drug addiction?

Sadly, too often, these all come together in one neatly wrapped package.

But back to the question I originally posed; I really can’t answer it.

What I will say, though, is don’t keep you eyes shut because in the beginning, things were so good between the two of you. You might have believed you had finally met your white knight. You might have been so enamored with him because of the whirlwind romance that included flowers, candlelight dinners, outrageously expensive gifts considering the time you’d been together, and romantic getaways that also included great sex.

No, don’t keep thinking if you can only get it right, or do all the things he asks, those days will probably return.

I rather hate to tell you this, but you’re probably wrong. Oh, he might act that way now and then to keep you hooked in and believing you’re about to rediscover Camelot, but he is only seducing you—again.

A narcissist is like a leopard; he can not change his spots. Okay, he might be able to change if he really wanted to do so. But if you are in love with a narcissist, you need to understand that you’ll likely be seeking counseling on how to leave a narcissist long before he’s inclined to seek help on how to alleviate himself of his narcissistic tendencies.

If you have a narcissistic husband, listen very carefully: Narcissists seduce you with their charm, the romance, and the great sex. Once they have you hooked, things change—and not for the good.

In fact, is the great sex still so great? Or instead, is it about him and his needs and wants? Also, you might feel he has to give a great performance, and you’re always expected to commend him for a job well done, too. And rather than feeling closer to him, instead, have you felt you’ve become more and more merely an object to him?

There is even a chance the great sex has switched over into sexual abuse. Perhaps the transition has been so gradual, however, that you haven’t actually seen the truth about what was happening—or where you have ended up as a result. But if you stop and think about your sexual relationship with your narcissistic spouse, you might realize you’ve been doing things that don’t appeal to you sexually, but only to him. In fact, they might make you feel degraded.

He not only doesn’t bring flowers anymore, but it is probably worse than that. You’d realize that if you got real about your marriage.

Yes, it is probably hardly a relationship in the sense that you define the word. Are you always worrying about what might please or displease him? And to ensure you do neither, do you do things against your personal values?

You probably want to avoid his narcissistic rage. And again, you hope if you’ll only do as he wants, things will be like they were in the early days—when you held hands and made love in a romantic haze.

Again, it is time to get real. That was an act to suck you in. Now, though, if he is walking around being his self centered and grandiose self, engaging in emotional abuse and verbal abuse that causes your self worth to slip away daily, he is nonetheless likely being the man he will continue to be.

If you are codependent, you might well be able to somehow survive the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse. You might keep telling yourself that the sexual abuse is not sexual abuse because you actually are okay with what he asks of you—as kinky as it perhaps has become.

I suspect you might be shut down and out of touch with your feelings, however. You also might be taking pride in your ability to cope with things you shouldn’t have to cope with anyway. And if that is the case, realize you are not the first and last woman to make this discovery. Frankly, I myself have been there; I took pride in my martyrdom. But really, what’s the sense in that?

I decided I didn’t like being in a relationship with a narcissist. I also knew I never wanted to be in a relationship with one again, though I suspect I met one or two along the path on my way to recovery from codependency.

Your life is yours to live as you please; you have to make your own choices. I suspect, though, that you give your life—and your narcissistic spouse—a good hard look. You might realize you’ve been bonded to a fantasy that was probably never more than that. Meanwhile, you stay stuck loving a narcissist while he serves up a mixture of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse—and some great times, too—to keep you hooked in and doing exactly what he pleases.

Why should you expect differently? Remember, he is self centered, he is self absorbed, and he lacks empathy. And because of his grandiosity, he feels entitled to do as he pleases. In turn, everyone else is here to serve him and meet his needs.

They must be kept in line and under his thumb. Yes, these are the spots of the narcissist. And no, they probably will not change. So really, is spending your life loving a narcissist the best use of both your love and your time?

I hope you’re moving your head back and forth.

Comments from Readers about Narcissism/Narcissistic Partners

Steven Rogers (Insurance)

Know when it is time to throw in the towel. It's never worth staying in a bad relationship with a bad person. There are billions of people out there that are good hearted. If you accidentally fell upon a bad egg, dump them promptly and keep looking

Kerry Buckley

I’ve been awake for 4 days as i have struggled to understand why i was going mad, until i came across the narcissist word whilst looking for a love poem to send him following an argument which is always my fault. I have noone as I’ve lost everybody but today i start the process of finding myself and being the mum to my children i know i can. I feel relief, but heartbroken

Guest Ann

Today has been a revelation. This article and others like it have described my husband again and again. Why has it taken me all this time to work it out? Have I really been in denial this long? A weight has lifted off me like I cannot evn describe. I have felt many times that I have gone mad and needed hospitalisation. His anger appears from nowhere, usually over trivial things, but always to do with him being right and me being wrong. He actually says to me "how often are you ever right about anything?" I've felt so depressed ive wanted to kill myself, and so angry ive wanted to kill him. Over the years its got worse, but ive stupidly been waiting for it to get better. I'm now living in a country I dont want to be in, because of his ambition.Id like to think we could get through this with counselling-but will he agree? I doubt it. Thnk u thnk u for this site.

Guest Sue

Both my husband and his mother are completely self absorbed. They both manipulate and use others for their own needs. They have both been capable of cruelty. When I first met my husband, I witnessed her cruelty towards him and he did not show his true nature until after we married. Now, I recognise he can't change his ways even though he knows I plan to leave. He has altered history in his head and although he has abused me physically, sexually, verbally and emotionally, he says he is the victim. He is twisted and not capable of caring for anyone but himself. His mother has control over him and if she tells him to abuse me, he carries out her dirty work, no questions asked. He used to get his own with me by using fear and aggression. I hoped that if I showed him love he would learn how to love back. Not a hope . So I make sure I am safe and am making plans to leave

Guest

I have been married to a man for 27 yrs. with undiagnosed NPD. It has been hell, i have lived thru a lot. and so did the kids over the yrs. Our daughter is 26 yrs. and our son is 19 yrs. My husband was very abuse to our daughter (physically and emotionally) Our son not so much, but still suffered similiar abuse. I have had enough, i have started on the road to recover myself to be who i use to be...Happy.

Guest

I to am married to a man that I believes is NPD. He was a sweet man through the 7 years of dating but two weeks after marriage he changed. I have to beg him for sex when prior to marriage it was wonderful. Everything that happens causes him to go into a rage. I cannot discuss anything with him. He tries to make me feel like I am unworthy of him. I have refused to give up but it looks like he is not going to get better and will only get worse because according to him I am psychotic and he is normal because I expect him to show me he loves me. Things are not getting better so maybe I need to seek legal council and get out. He lashes out and screams then tells me to get out. Maybe it is time to do exactly that. Do you think there is any hope for this man? I love him dearly but he is so self-absorbed it is unreal.

Guest

I lived with a this type of behavior for 16 1/2 years, I recommend you take an inventory of the relationship. But most important stay connected to your family and friends. The majority of people with this disorder is self-centered. The relationship will never be about compromise it will always be one-sided and from my prespective it will be unhealthy for you. My ex-spouse did alot of tangible things beautiful houses and cars. But the true nuturing of love was difficult for him because of his own fears. I believe most self-centered people are raised by selfish parents which give them a since of entitlement and love is purchased by things and not time spent which nutures our cognitive abilities and humans.

Guest

I to am married to a man that I believes is NPD. He was a sweet man through the 7 years of dating but two weeks after marriage he changed. I have to beg him for sex when prior to marriage it was wonderful. Everything that happens causes him to go into a rage. I cannot discuss anything with him. He tries to make me feel like I am unworthy of him. I have refused to give up but it looks like he is not going to get better and will only get worse because according to him I am psychotic and he is normal because I expect him to show me he loves me. Things are not getting better so maybe I need to seek legal council and get out. He lashes out and screams then tells me to get out. Maybe it is time to do exactly that. Do you think there is any hope for this man? I love him dearly but he is so self-absorbed it is unreal. He is always telling me that if I need to change, and he expects me to feel as he would about everything, or do what he would do in every situation. He is constantly trying to control me, and I always feel scared to talk to him about anything because no matter what it is I am always at fault. I've been with this man 14 years, and yes in the beginning he was sweet, loving, romantic, and charming, but after he had me hooked he let his true colors show. I wasn't strong enough to walk away and I believed sadly that he could change, but I see from what I'm reading, that almost never happens.

Guest

I found this blog when looking up the topic "why does my husband always criticize me". I was shocked to see all of the comments here. Like many of you I went through that feeling of something just isn't right here but I didn't know what it was. I could talk to anyone about what was going on in my relationship and knew I made perfect sense, but when I tried to talk to him I always felt stupid like I didn't have one ounce of the sense God gave me. No matter what we talk about its always about him, anything that I share with him is an opportunity for him to criticize me and tell me how he can do it better. He's verbally abusive, mentally cruel, and has been physically abusive as well, and like some other articles have asserted fighting back just makes it worse because they try harder to defeat you with their words and actions.

Guest

2/2 after these close to 10 yrs of marraige i live in fear of telling him anything;bills, c/acct, childs school, anything that might make him mad. but when he messes up, its ok..its someone elses falt NEVER HIS BLAME!. when he talks to his friends like hes building himself up..ad the stories are longer ex:"like catching a small fish in a lake..but by the time he get home he caught Shamu. "be would belittle me in public and laugh always saying its just a joke! but it wasnt. i felt i couldnt ever make a decision w/o asking him first. and if i did.oh..how he would through it in my face in a fight. i am wanting out of this relationship but fear of what he may do. i want to thank each and every person who wrote on this page. you have open my eyes to see that HE will not get better. he will not do counseling. please ladies and gentlemen,dont stop writing. please explain in detail like i have for those of us that need the details; for hope and awareness and that monment of:" OMG ME TOO!! "

Guest

My husband and i have been married for almost 10 years now. i am blamed for everything. I was even called a thief b/c our checking was overdrafted from debits both he and i used.even though none were spend lavishly.he said i stole over thousand dollars from him and my child and i showed him a copy of the account proving i took nothing..it was all in bills (his job wasnt working him enough & less was being brought home.) he didnt understand that. so he went out the next day and opend his own account. my acct is terribly overdrawn.his isnt.he always tells me what to do, when to do it and how.like im a child. 1/2

Guest

I married my first husband in 1981 without knowing about narcissistic personality. I stayed married to him for 7 years and that was 7 years of hell. I put up with all of the abuse the article speaks of. I divorced him in 1988 which was the best thing I ever did for myself. I knew that something was wrong during this marriage but didn't know what. It has taken me all these years to finally figure out what was wrong with him and I wouldn't have figured it out if I had not stumbled onto this article, while reading this article all I could think of was "this is him" "this is what I went thru". After divorcing him I didn't realize that I would have to learn how to deal with what he had done to me, emotionally, verbally, physically. It has taken me years to get over my run-in with a narcissistic husband, this is not something I would wish off on my worst enemy. Since we divorced he died from alcoholism and drugs and cigerettes with 4 stents in his heart, I guess karma is a B*tch.

Guest

I fell for a NPD man 9 years ago. It was ideal and heaven in the beginning but our relationship changed and so did he and not in a good way. We finally broke up after 2-3 years of on-again, off-again. You have to be strong and listen to what your conscience is telling you. I never truly felt like my needs were ever important to him, and he would make me feel that I was the one that had the problem. Once I was alone I could see it so clearly and I regained a part of myself that I felt was smothered in our relationship. I recently learned that he has had a significant other for the last five years. I don't know why it hit me so hard, but it did. I wonder how this new woman in his life has been able to make things work for 5 years with this man? That was something I couldn't do and I loved him so and wanted to work on the relationship. This article has reminded me that perhaps he hasn't changed but has just met a woman that can't get out of the situation.

Me too!

You stated you didn't know why finding out about his 5 year affair hit you so hard. I believe it may because you feel bad that someone like him could fool you for so long. My biggest fear, is for no man to make a fool of me. And when it happened to me, it hit me so hard I cried like I've never cried before. How dare he hurt me like that? I didn't deserve the added pain of betrayal. No woman does. My heart died that day. I gave him my love and loyalty... In turn he crushed my heart into pieces. The JERK! I have yet to leave him, but truly admire your courage to do it.

Guest

I have left a narcissistic now ex-partner after many years of verbal emotional abuse, fits of rage, economic abuse and on the verge of physical abuse. So desperate for popularity, I realised that they were not worth my energy anymore and that I have fooled myself by thinking that they truly cared too. Now that I am out of this relationship, I am learning heal and grow again. 1. Even though the bad times keep a journal. 2. Create a vision board of the life you ultimately want. Look at it daily to remind yourself of the life you deserve. 3. Ask for help from friends, family and organisations that will relate. 4. List the action steps you need to take, read them daily. 5. Prepare for leaving the narcissist and find supportive people to help you. Remember you can find someone that can give you love, share and accept you. Don't give up on your quest for the life you truly deserve. with love, A friend

Guest

This disorder is of a debilitating nature and the sooner anyone can get out of it ---the better. I have lived for decades with this personality starting with a mother who suffered with this to a pathological level,I then attracted this same person in my marriage. You become a stronger person once you release the need to be used by these people. It is possible to survive life beyond the unspeakable grief they can cause - healing is a painful journey - but they are evil and in John 1:5 it says The light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not overcome it. Love yourself and pledge to never take any form of abuse under any circumstance ever again. Been there,,,,,,

Guest

How do you get your husband to join you in counselling? I am starting counselling now just to find out its not me that has the problem cause thats what i am always been told. Im the problem - it was much easier b4 i came into his life . screaming at me abuse sometimes also physical if he does not get his way.mental abuse and the extended silent treatments. persistent Punishments, having being taught a lesson by him, being corrected and told what and what not to do!!! Questioning me of how and why i do things and dont do as he would do??? Sure these are signs of narcism?? Help me

Free

My Husband is a NPD nut. He had a big job, big, life, big money and cheated and lied the entire time we were married. He traveled and pointed out all the other men who were unfaithful and liars so i would think he had morals when he had none. He bought his whore of a secretary a townhouse 7 years ago and i found a morgage when i pulled his credit card. even after confronting him he still deneyed a romantic relationship with her. he hollered all the time and made demands and the title ENTITLED is his MO. He bought things and gifts for the kids and me and it never dawned on me it was all for show so we could look up to him and adore him. i am now divorced and getting my life back slowely. He now acts like he is so injured over my not forgiving him for a lifetime of lies and betrayals. he is training my son to be like him and it scares the hell out of me. he is being nice and fair now...never dawned on him while we here married to be nice and fair...he wants something.....

Guest

Why is it that when trying to explain this person (narcissist) to a confidant, they just cannot believe that you did nothing? I do try to understand from the outside, it is hard to believe someone could be that malicious, without being provoked. But, when you ARE trying to leave, it really starts to make you feel isolated, and things start to look impossible.

Still Trapped

I think it's important to emphasize not all narcissist are the same. It is a cycle of punishments and rewards. I've been married to one for 5 years. I could never figure out what it was exactly he wanted from me, I felt/feel like a dog performing tricks. He will find new was to manipulate and play games when the "old ones" don't work anymore. Humiliate you in front of people. It is the most horrific experience of my life. I am trying to escape this prison, we will see. Good luck to you all.

Getting the Hell Out

I have been married to a npd person for over 18 years. the verbal abuse started right away. always in front of people...i would have been beat instead. then we had children. what a nightmare. he started to verbally abuse the kids. the mental games are insidious. there was one night that all hell broke loose. i am happy to say i am leaving him in one week and the kids are good. i just so tired of being beat down with all of his garbage....he was the biggest baby of all. i am running for my life and can not wait to breath!!!! be strong and just keep looking for their patterns. i saw them early and just stupidly thought he would change.

Guest

My husband's daughter just introduced herselt into his life, and it has been pure hell. He is totally ignoring me, we used to go to the gym together, now that;'s gone, he goes with her. He is so comsumed with her it is sick. He don't really know her, but I can see she is a very muniplitave person, we have two sons and they are upset that he is forcing the issue of Big Sister with them, and they are not ready for it, but he is pushing it on them. I do think that he has a personality disorder, and I am in the process of leaving him. Am I doing the right thing, he has been verbally and mentally abusing me for 25 years, and I have no self esteem, and it;s like he thrives on me being miserable. I don't know why I stayed this long, I guess because I loved him so much, but I have to look after myself now.

Guest

There is no greater cost to you as a person, than to stay with a narcissist. No matter how many obstacles you THINK prevent you from leaving, you must KNOW that staying pulls you down so much farther. I am a survivor....it took me four years including legal assistance to get away. I didn't know (then) that not fighting would make me so much weaker. The cycle is vicious and frankly, only GOD got me through it. Pray for him/her...I do still for my ex but that is as close as I will ever again get to him. God Bless those who are hurting from this awful disease and their unwilling victims.

Guest

ur absolutely right! Even my husband is a narcissist with paranoia as well.He has emotional,physical and verbal abuse towards me.i always felt it was my fault.He always critized my parents and never let me contact them. But once i came for my pregnancy to my house i decided to leave him. He blackmails my parents for BIG money. He was using me for financial gains..Once i decided to leave him i think i was a fool to stick and think he would change one day...And moreover tolerate a MAn who is a BIG ZERO financially. I realise now, that he married me only for money.The divorce is yet to happen. But after deciding in mind i feel relieved....A feeeling of freedom..And yes..i dint know a disease like this existed.... I feel pity for him..may he find a new victim... soon

Vicki

What type of legal assistance ? My Narcasisst husband tells me to get a divorce and leave in my car with 2 horses, 2 dogs and 2 cats and on disability. He has me by a rope. Prenump in place also. He knows I will be out in the street. Im slowly dieing. He left me out here with no vehicle so I cannot leave.

Lucy

This article really helped me to understand not only my husband but myself. My husband put on an act for four years and on our honeymoon, the real person came out . What I thought he was was only a figment of my imagination. I only saw his false self in the beginning and when the REAL person came out, it was very confusing. He blamed ME for everything........all my fault, if only i would let him completely dominate and control me......be 100% submissive to all his crazy demands and believe me they were crazy,abusive. He was exactly like the person you describe above. I feel so trapped . He moved out and with another woman in 1993 and cheated on her with others at the same time. He is a piece of work. I am trapped and can't get out, I feel like I am in a VICE.

Guest

have learned so much from your writings. My ugly husband of over 50 years has NPD. I didn't know what was the matter with him until a couple of years ago. If I had known his mental disorder a lot earlier, I would have divorced him and not gone through decades of pain. Thank you.

Guest

Women can be narcissists too. It would be nice if your writing left that as a possibility instead of assuming that the narcissist is always a man.

cathy

i totally agree with your statement

Guest

I was married to an abusive BPD Narcissist & the best help I got was from a Christian psychotherapist.Sadly church elders gave me advice which continued to endanger me-they weren’t equipped to deal with my husband’s personality disorders.Jesus changes lives, but he is a gentleman and only does so when he is asked to by the perpetrator-they must be willing to give up things which enslave them. Accountability is key.I almost lost my life in 'laying it down’ to help my husband. I forgot 1 Cor. 7:23 "You were bought at a price;do not become slaves of men."I am precious too -marriage at all costs is unbiblical.It was not more important than my life.Praise God for my christian friends who had insight to show me that my husband deserted me thru his abuse and was the one who broke our vows.I’ve never regretted leaving.Healing is a painful&lengthy process-but you gotta start it in order to get to the other side. Remember not being ok is just not ok -Jesus wants the best for you.

Cindy

Thank you so much for your story. It has strengthened me and reminded me that the Lord does NOT expect me or my children to suffer at the hands of a narcissistic husband and father. After 21yrs of neglect and abuse, verbal, emmotional and physical, I believed that God had abandoned my children and I and had chosen to favour my husband. He seemed to continually get away with his bad behaviour. Only the immediate family ever saw his mask slip and I found myself trying to explain and justify what was happening in our home. People could not or would not believe me. The worst perpetrators of this denial were the Pastors and church members my children and I went to for help. My husband has now been accused of criminal acts and has, by his own actions "blown" his cover! He has now been labled a man without integrity, a thief and a liar.

Guest

I had NP tendencies. (never diagnosed) My counselor and coworkers have told me that I have made good progress. It wasn't easy. I worked very hard staying in the word of God every day, and praying for me and my wife throughout every day we are apart. I can now admit I was self absorbed, selfish, controlling, legalistic, and judgemental. It was very difficult initially admitting those things. I am so sorry for my actions. Looking back now the scary thing is I really didn't know how bad it was. Satan is the master of deception. She has left me. We are still married, I want to lift her up, praise her daily for the work she does and the effort she puts in to our marriage.

Guest

I've been with a npd man for almost 17yrs its becoming more and more of a nightmare he only cares about himself but if things seem to turn bad for him he'll do a small thing for me and my children and then buy himself exp jew.cars cheats goe hotel rooms with women lies about working and treats me like a child I've put up with it for so long its now unbearable I love him very much but my life is at a point where I'm ready to say goodbye he I believe only wants me around to cook clean babysit etc.no sex not on bank accounts or any jointccs I always put him on my accounts and nex I get a job he ruins it and has a alcohol/drug?Problem he's addicted to everything. People think my life is easy cause I'm a stay@home mom just not by choice...is there a chance he can recover?Heliessomuch I don't even know who he is anymore.Should I get out now? For example he made me pwn my wed.ring/all val just to find out he bought himself new hd2ps

Guest

I think I'm married to a NPD. We've been married for 10 yrs w/ 3 kids and he's very uncomfortable with showing emotion or physical affection (unless it is sexual) as is his father. He is extremely charming. And manipulative and emotionally abusive to the point of making me doubt my sanity! Like the author wrote for yrs I too took pride in surviving, in 'keeping my marriage alive/making it work" and not straying. But..I'm almost 30...and have finally bottomed out emotionally. If his last words of hope prove to be false as usual I pray I separate myself from him for finally I fear staying more than leaving.

Guest

Please make it clear that the man is not only the narcissist. My ex-wife played the game very well. She plotted behind my back with a man who could always worship her on her altar better than what I was willing to do. We had two children. She bled me for child support for 22 years. That is just now ending and she wrote me a letter officially severing me from her life. It was all about me, she wrote. She has damaged me, the children, and every possible good thing that could be salvaged. She hasn't progressed one iota from where she used to be. I am just lucky to be far away from her. This is a terrible mental illness. But, as she stated many times, it's MY problem. She's perfectly fine.

Guest

It is nice to hear from the mens' side, how they have or had a wife that was NPD.

Guest

My wife is the same way. I am just now, after 10 yrs. attempting to leave her. She is not making it easy and threatens me about everything under the sun. Use Bible verses to show how wrong I am. I just can't take it any more. Make I WILL not take it any more.

Guest

Do women that is a narcissist continue to come back to the relationship.?? Will they continue to break up with you and return back???

sis

i have been doing research and feel my husband is a narcissist. we have been married for 15 years and 7 of them he has been unfaithful emotinally abuse i am having a hard time dealing with this he is now in therapy and going to aa. i have no self esteem he says he wants our marriage to work part says stay and part of me say go can i get some advice on how u have handled this thanks

Guest

Thank you for posting this article...My husband was just diagnosed 2 day ago with NPD and I guess I just wanted to know that I am not alone. I have endured this relationship for 16 years which is more than enough. I have decided to end the marriage, but not the relationship. I have only the deepest love for him, but if I stay, he won't get the help he needs. This has been his pattern...if I stay he'll become too comfortable and fall right back into old patterns. So I have chosen to get a divorce, for him to get better, for me to know I'm worthy of better, and for my children to know that this behavior is far from being acceptable(from either of us). Peace & Love

Married to a diagnosed Narcissist

Amazingly enough, a traumatic event occurred recently after 19 years of my marriage which triggered the inner insecurities of my diagnosed narcissistic husband. With the grace of God, I went to counseling and he joined me. We have learned that his narcissism was created by his narcissistic/controling/jealous mother's desire to raise him as her object/surrogate emotional companion because hubby's father was not emotionally there for his mother. As a result, my husband has mastered the destructive behavior of self-nurturing, thereby, unable to feel empathy for others. The recovery process is fascinating, especially, when relative to how the Bible view's a husband's role in the marriage. We are truly bonding in love in ways I never even "dreamed" of.

Mrs W.

Hi there, reading your post has given me some hope where Ive become so weary & broken down in my spirit from 10 years of trying to make my marriage work. Lastnight I experienced another episode of his and was feeling I was all alone. My mind could'nt keep taking the mental abuse so I finally left the room and went online to search.for some help of some sort. I'm a Christian woman who's praying for Gods deliverance and would greatly appreciate if you could email me back when you have some free tome. I hope to hear back from you soon. God Bless your new found marriage

Seeking answers

My psychologist has assured me that only a miracle will change my husband and I have to come to terms with the fact that he will keep acting for himself, putting himself above everyone else to the detriment of myself, our children and the world at large. He cannot empathise with others and if he does something nice it is only because in the end it benefits him. He twists the truth and wonders that I am not showering him with praise at the deals he makes by lying. He punishes me with withdrawal and silence. 1 Corinthians 7: 10 states "A wife must not separate from her husband" yet the longer I stay in our relationship (of 21 years) the harder it is for me to withstand the emotional abuse and stay strong. I can see the effect he is having on our children and am afraid that when they grow up they will find partners who abuse them as well because that is what they are used to. "Can you share your traumatic event"? and how is the councellor getting through to your husband?

Guest

This is my situation too, but I am the man. My wife still loves me and I still love her. She also had a very bad childhood. My counselor and coworkers say I have made good progress. It wasn't easy. But with God's help, the Holy Spirit, and His word, God is growing me and shedding off the chains of the past. We are still seperated, She wants and needs her space. I know. I trust God to bring us back together. That is the only way this marriage can reunite. I love her so much. God please soften her heart to forgive me and trust your work in me. I am happy for you and your marriage. Please pray for me and mine. Thank you.

Beth

I have been married to a man who after years of trying to figure out what was wrong announced to me that he is a narcissist. It has only gotten worse even though we have had lots of Christian counseling--he goes to counseling and acts like he is doing everything he is supposed and then when he is with me alone--he is passive aggressive lazy and treats me with disregard. and now my co-dependence has created fear and immobilization on my part. I can't get out of this downward spiral. Any suggestions would be helpful. I don't want to be divorced--I have been married 35 years--but I can't continue this craziness.

Guest

Do you think your therapy is still being effective? My situation sounds like yours; even though my husband and I are separated at present. We are both researching on our own. He has had a spiritual awakening and taking initiative. We've been married 19 years too, and his patterns are like roller coasters. I want to trust him this one last time and bond...but Im scared that it will end up the same way. Please let me know what has worked for you.

Guest

I am self diagnosing my husband as being narcisstic. He denied it at first, but last week at our Christian marriage couseling session he admitted some of the tendacies. However, he still lacks the empathy and emotional bond that I long for us to have with one another! I feel as though I married the wrong person for me and it is truly driving me insance. The psychaitrist that he is going to has diagnosed him as having ADD and BPD and he is currently taking meds for both of those. He has shown some improvement in his anger. HOwever, he is still not a loving, caring, nuturing husband and I just have small hope that things will ever change.I was just curious how you found a counselor who found all of this information out and how they were able to address the problem to your husband.

Guest Mrs. Want Out

There is know help for these kind of people, they are exausting and will always think about themselves and will belittle you. They are selfish and really we do not know what age they are. I am tried and trying to pray my way out. I have been married 3 years to long.

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