Article Directory

Home Page

Read about 
Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife

Community Forum

Other Resources

Our User Policy

Our Privacy Policy

Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

“How Do You Currently Seek Pain Relief from
Depression or Emotional Pain that Hurts?”

 When you’re married to someone with pathological levels of narcissism who also suffers from addictions and engages in emotional and verbal abuse—as I’m assuming you are—you’re definitely in a painful marriage. There’s no denying that.

Except you might be doing exactly that. You might be in a state of denial about your husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse, as well as their impact on you. So, while others might try and call your attention to it, you go right on minimizing your emotional pain, or that you’re suffering from depression that hurts, too.

Do you ever wonder why do you do this?

Well, this might be a pain management technique. You might be trying to manage the level of emotional pain you allow yourself to feel, or to enter your awareness.  See, whether you’re consciously aware of it or not, you might well believe that the pain of dealing with these problems will be overwhelming. Or, you’re afraid of the changes that admitting the truth might necessitate—such as the need for divorce. After all, while you might find your narcissistic spouse with his addictions and abusive ways difficult to cope with, there’s probably much about your current lifestyle that you do like, and you don’t want to give it up. But then again, you still might be in love with your husband because you don’t see his behavior realistically. Instead, you see him how he used to behave, or how you want him to be. You don’t see him as he is actually is today—and probably will be tomorrow, too.

I want you to stop now and think a minute, though, about something a little different, yet related..

Is this the first time you’ve avoided a problem in your life, or do you have a tendency to ignore such things until they get out of hand—when action must be taken? For example, have you ignored problems with the car or house, or do you tend to those because you know the problems aren’t just going to go away on their own? Well, and you’ve undoubtedly discovered that whatever it is will likely just grow worse and more expensive to repair over time, right?

Let me remind you of something you might be forgetting. Just like with material things, marital problems don’t just repair themselves. Furthermore, when your husband displays narcissism, addictions, and abusive ways, your problems will invariably grow worse with time. And maybe much worse.

Most people ignore marital problems because they don’t want to encounter the emotional pain that typically accompanies them. They try to ease their burden by seeking outside distractions that are more fun, for instance, than dealing with the problems at home. Therefore, some might seek relief through an affair.

However, infidelity or an extramarital affair is only a temporary fix. You need to deal with the problem if you want ongoing emotional pain relief instead.

When people seek relief from marital problems by ignoring them through distraction and other means, in doing this, they invariably create bigger problems. This usually includes more of the emotional pain they wanted to avoid.

Now indeed, when you first deal with your marital problems, you might experience more emotional pain than you did while ignoring them.  But while there is that initial escalation in emotional pain, in time, the pain should diminish. Furthermore, if you’ve done things right, you’ll often discover that more joy, happiness, and contentment ultimately replace that nagging emotional pain instead.

Now, some women in a marriage where narcissism, addictions, and abuse are present believe that the solution to their problems is divorce. You might secretly believe this is the only answer and you’re just not ready to do this. Certainly, this is understandable since c divorce is painful. It is painful for both you and your children. But often that initial pain dissipates over time. In fact I’ve heard more than one woman say that while she regretted the break-up of her marriage at the time, she later realized it was the best thing that could have happened to her. See, she went on and created a life that brought her peace and inner contentment. She may have discovered herself and her unique gifts through embracing spirituality, then continuing to walk the path of spiritual growth.

In reality, some women are so happy and content after they’ve divorced and had some time for divorce recovery, that they never try to marry again. Others do, but then find themselves in divorce court once again. (The rate of divorce is higher for second marriages than first marriages, and even worse for third marriages versus second marriages).

Does this mean I’m suggesting that if you decide to get out of your marriage--ruined by his narcissism, addictions, and abuse--that you should never marry again? No, this is not what I’m saying. However, I certainly would advise that you don’t jump into anything serious immediately. Do some work on your own issues first. This way, you might stand a chance of success the next time around.

You might be wondering if you heard me right when I said that you have issues, too. Well, you did hear me correctly, and I’m almost certain that you do. For example, you have to understand what attracted you to a man with pathological narcissism who was abusive—whether it was because of narcissistic rage or related to alcoholism, for example. You don’t want to be attracted—or attract—the same type of man again. But also, you’re going to have to learn how to become comfortable with a different type of man than you’ve known. After all, something that’s actually normal might seem strange and feel very uncomfortable initially. In fact, you might want to flee because it actually seems boring. Where is the drama? Where is the pain that proved you were alive?

But you’ll have other issues as well from being in a marriage where your partner had problems with narcissism, addictions, and abuse. In fact, you might even show signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because of what you’ve been through.

You also need to confront and deal with such things. That way, they won’t contaminate your next relationship.

Yes, you have some work to do on yourself. But while some of it might be painful, not all of it is going to be that way. Some of it might prove quite exhilarating, actually. For instance, you might discover aspects of yourself that help you to grow and feel better about who you are.

I wouldn’t recommend you try and do this work alone, however. You need to seek out a knowledgeable and compassionate therapist. It also might help to start going to a twelve-step program such as Al-Anon. See, while self-help books and articles are helpful, they aren’t going to be enough. Thus, seek out more help for yourself. Also, you might want to start doing this now. After all, doing these things could help you decide if you should stay or leave.

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

© 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

All material at www.NarcissismAddictionsAbuse is copyrighted. Feel free to duplicate and distribute this article for noncommercial and educational purposes, though we require it remain completely intact as laid out, from the header to the bottom of this copyright notice. No article may be placed on a website without permission. If you have a website that attracts women who could benefit from the information at this site, please link to it.

Meta-description tag: Depression, depression treatment,  symptom of depression, anxiety depression, sign of depression, cause of depression, treating depression, antidepressants, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, verbally abusive relationship, emotionally abusive relationship, abused woman, domestic violence, codependency, co-dependency, codependent, codependent no more, self help, pain relief, pain management, depression help self, sefl help book

Sign up Now!
Dr. England's Newsletter

Stop Feeling so Alone in Your Misery!