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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

“Don’t Just Think about it, Take Action, too!”

 Do you think a lot about your marital situation? Well, actually, do you obsess about it? I know I did about mine as it deteriorated further and further. And when you’re in the type of marriage I suspect you might be—impacted by his narcissism, addictions, and emotional abuse and verbal abuse, this is very likely to be occurring. After all, such a marriage can be painful as well as confusing.

You probably think: Why does he always attack me with cutting words when through all my actions, I’ve always shown I want a loving partnership?

Of course, you want things to be like they once were. You probably also believe they could be, if only you could do a better job yet of meeting his demands.

Because of your pain and confusion about what’s happening, why it has happened, and how you might rectify things, do you seek the support of a close friend, your sister, or your mother, perhaps?

It makes sense that you might turn to others. Sometimes by talking about what you’re encountering with others, you come up with solutions or coping strategies you might not have gained otherwise. Thus, it can be helpful.

In fact, I thought it was for me. In retrospect, there was probably a downside.

See, by talking about the things I encountered, it helped me to cope better with the pain and to temporarily feel better. Thus, I could go back and withstand more attacks. I could exist in the craziness that was pervasive in my life day-to-day life.

But really, was this such a good thing that my friends helped bolster me so I could step onto this private battlefield once again? Where they enabling me to stay when perhaps I needed to sink into such pain that I would leave instead?

Yes, sometimes analyzing your situation and problems with others proves helpful. You see things more clearly, and as a result, you face up to your reality and elect to do something about it, too. So indeed, this is a good thing.

But too often, the talk and the support take that edge off the pain and misery you’re stuck in. This makes it easy to stay and keep on doing the same old things you’ve always done versus strive to change.

But action is being asked of you. Your pain should remind you of that.

Of course, most people fear change. It’s as if we’re all programmed to believe that change will always be for the worse. It’s as if we’ve never heard those stories where change was forced upon someone and as a result, they actually experienced some unexpected good. Yes, the life-threatening illness or loss of a job, for example, might have promoted some very positive personal or spiritual growth as well as other worthwhile changes in the person’s life.

It's easy to get stuck in analysis paralysis. It's easy to get stuck in place.

In my own case, I told my friends my tales of wow for several years. But then finally, one of my friends told me she couldn’t be of assistance any longer. she told me she thought I really needed to see a therapist. And actually, she gave me the name of someone she had seen and trusted.

I made the appointment and went. As a result, I was seeing this therapist at the time it became obvious I needed to arrange an intervention for my alcoholic husband. And to tell you the truth, I was probably able to accomplish this because I’d created a mind-shift through taking this step and entering therapy.

Remember, to lead a meaningful life, you must examine it. But to have a life worth living, you must do more than examine it; you must take steps to improve it, too.

Think of pain as a symptom, as a messenger. It tells you that your life as you’re currently living it just isn’t working.

THOUGHT and ACTION are both required to have a life worth living. Furthermore, to continually have a quality life, it is necessary to engage in both of these regularly. Never expect to find nirvana and then have it last. Things continually change. That is the way of the universe.

Change mandates action on your part. But then through those actions, you’ll experience personal development and spiritual growth. And actually, that’s probably what life is supposed to be about anyway. So many of us fight this, though.

What changes is your life demanding of you? And of course, don’t just think about this question, but take action—preferably starting immediately.

 Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

© 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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