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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

                     “The Narcissist at Home                                                    versus in the Workplace”

The abused woman is aware of her fear because she’s drowning in it. Her abusive narcissistic partner might appear to lack fear of anything, however. But the truth is, he’s impacted by it as well. It’s just operating at an unconscious level, and so he’s unaware of how it’s driving him.

He may sense that his position of power is tenuous and could topple at anytime. What he probably fails to realize, however, is that it’s this system which keeps him feeling okay about himself. In other words, the prospect of falling from a position of power could seem as ominous as death. And so to ensure this doesn’t happen, he must keep all subjects in line, and this includes his wife.

The financially and professionally successful narcissist may case his wide into a subservient role, expecting her to be little more than his servant. He might treat his children similarly. In the home, he operates from a personal world view that gives him the right to exercise power over them. He sees himself as the superior one and better than while he makes his wife play the lesser than role. This is what keeps bad feelings at bay and makes him feel good about himself.

I’m not sure if it has gotten worse for women marred to these types of men or not. After all, some used to be better able to act out the better than and power over role they so favor in the workplace. And certainly, some still attempt to do this and quite successfully, actually. But others have discovered in ore recent years that even in the workplace, operating from positional power only isn’t as acceptable and viable as it used to be. Most people expect to be treated as worthy no matter who they are, and merely because they’re human being walking the face of this earth.

While previously, many people were socialized to accept power over in the work force, many business leaders have recognized a need to shift from this. They’ve realized what the behavioral or social scientists have professed for a long time now: You get the best out of people, or a business can be the most competitive, when employees are empowered versus ruled over and dictated to by the king and his court.

Nevertheless, this change has been difficult for many of the kings out there who display narcissism. After all, most of them are in positions of power because they strove to attain those positions because they love power. They fought many a battle to achieve it, and since they see themselves as warriors anyway, they won’t hesitate to go to war to maintain it, either. They only believe in winning and will use any means to achieve the ends they desire.

It’s easy for them to do what needs to be done since they basically lack empathy for their fellow man anyway. They do not hesitate to trample others down on their rise to the top. After all, they see themselves as the superior being. All others are basically just objects to be used for their personal gain. As long as the person has value to him, the narcissist might treat the individual decently. But once their purpose is served, the person is tossed aside with no remorse or sympathy for any personal hardship or pain this might cause.

These are men into success—which is measured in dollars. They seek power so they might gain more money so they might attain more power and so on and so on. They think that by attaining enough of both, they can exercise total control of their world—if not the universe.

They are people who never seem to overcome a sense of inner emptiness and a feeling of not being enough—or nothing being enough for them, either. This doesn’t seem to bother them terribly, however. In other words, most will never feel the need to change. After all, they are the people that so many admire and emulate.

Or at least they think that’s the case since most of them are actually envious of other people and project this onto other people00thinking those folks are all envious of them.

For them, most people are objects to be used. But there are some people they can envy because invariably, no one has it all. And so while they might attain more power and money than others, for example, they might envy others their athletic abilities, for example.

Narcissists might create elaborate and gorgeous stages on which to play out their lives. But that is basically what it is—acting. Their hearts aren’t really in it because they have no heart to give.

And so in the life, the curtain falls down on a life that might have looked envious to others, but often didn’t provide the desired rewards and happiness.

The narcissist might never admit this since the mask mustn’t slip. But the unhappiness of the abused wife and children should attest to the fact it was not a life well lived after all.

Joy and inner contentment were missed because the financially successful but abusive narcissist lived his life spiritually bankrupt.

If his family members are fortunate, they won’t do the same. They’ll use their pain as a wake-up call and attempt to change. And if they are fortunate, they will come to create and know a different kind of good life than the seemingly good life they once probably endured versus enjoyed with the narcissist.

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

© 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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