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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

“Why does he Talk to me this Way When all I Wanted was to Love and be Loved?”

Have you ever asked yourself this question? Have you shared some of your private agony with a close friend and then followed your remarks with this question? Well, it’s confusing and it’s difficult to answer quickly and succinctly. That’s why I wrote the book, Secrets of a Miserable Housewife. I wanted to be able to give you a clearer picture of the type of abuse the narcissistic man engages in and why he does what he does. But let me try and do this in a couple of pages anyway.

 First, realize that all abusive men are not the same. I write about the man who displays narcissism, whether it’s in the form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or in a milder form where he exhibits fewer narcissistic traits. This man is different from the abusive man with Antisocial Personality Disorder or antisocial personality traits.

By the way, at one time the term sociopath was used to describe the person who now would be seen as having this personality disorder. Prior to that, the term psychopath was used. I thought this deserved clarification since materials are out there on the internet in which people attempt to delineate differences between the three of these. This shouldn’t be happening because again, they really are one and the same. Sure, the diagnostic criteria may have changed over the years somewhat, but that shouldn’t really matter. Just use the terminology of Antisocial Personality Disorder today and not sociopath or psychopath, okay?

That said, it might be helpful to try and delineate between the two personality disorders since again, some abusers tend to be narcissistic while others would have antisocial personality disorder. Well, a person can have traits of more than one personality disorder, so it does get confusing.  But it might help to distinguish the two by thinking about abnormal behavior as occurring along a continuum. Thus, while the narcissistic man might exhibit some of the same type of behaviors as the individual with Antisocial Personality Disorder, they won’t be as extreme. Thus, both types of men are into power and control and use abuse to gain that. However, the narcissist who’s successful in his business or profession is not inclined to resort to violence like the man with antisocial personality disorder is. He has a higher level of impulse control, and so he’ll use more subtle tactics to get his wife to do what he wants. He likes to play king, making his partner and others his subjects. But then, he sees himself as far superior to others anyway.

The man with Antisocial Personality Disorder will use violence to get his way and where he becomes angry at something or his will is thwarted. But he’s inclined not just to beat up his children; he will get into fights or engage in physical violence with most anyway because he doesn’t have good impulse control and in his brain, the fight response seems easily triggered. Thus, this type of man might beat up a policeman even though he knows the consequences and truly doesn’t want to suffer them. But again, he is an out-of-control man.

Neither the narcissistic man nor the one with Antisocial Personality Disorder really empathize with others. It is easy for them to use the tactics they do to get what they want when they want it because of this, the fact they don’t identify with others feelings and how what they’re doing might be very painful and hurtful to others. But depending on the degree of narcissism, this man might be able to identify some if basically confronted with his behavior and how it impacts others. He might be willing to try and make behavioral changes because he wants to maintain his family. But while she wants to believe it’s about love, love might have nothing to do with it. The narcissist might be more concerned with image or some other benefit of having the seemingly happy family. He might actually consider them a necessity while perceiving them as a nuisance, actually.  

 Men with both personality disorders tend to treat others as objects there for their benefit and use. However, again, the one with Antisocial Personality Disorder is the one inclined to resort to the most extreme measures to accomplish this. But there are some pretty cool or cold-hearted narcissists who can also engage in some very despicable behavior. And as they seek to maintain control and be in charge, or as they strive to be better than the spouse and seek to prove this, they can make the women’s lives quite miserable without yielding to physical violence.

They are cool and calculating. They operate in a world constructed of fear versus one of love. They seek to achieve desired results by making others feel compelled to go along with them because they don’t want to suffer the anticipated painful consequences when the person might have been happy to go along out of love anyway.

Neither is apt to change. Unlike the neurotic, they do not really suffer pain because of who they are and thus, desire to change. They can be quite proud of the pain they cause and wear this as if it was a worthy accomplishment and badge of courage.

Both types of men can be charming, although the narcissist is the one who can also offer more than that; he can often provide the good life because of his aggressiveness and willingness to win at all costs. The man with the Antisocial Personality Disorder is actually apt to be bad news all the way since his impulsivity is apt to result in problems with relationships that affect hi ability to hold a job. He is also more apt to be engaged in crime and get into trouble with the law. Major substance abuse issues can be a problem as well.

Why does he abuse you? Because, that’s the type of man he is. He wants the power and control and he doesn’t care what tactics he uses. Even the narcissist would probably use tactics beyond those he does if he really believed he wouldn’t get caught. But he thinks more about the consequences of his actions. He is ware of cause and effect. The man with Antisocial personality Disorder is inclined to just act.

But neither is inclined to act in a way that is in your best interest. It is all about them and will continue to be that way.

Is this how you really want to live? That’s the important question or the one you should really be asking yourself. After all, it doesn’t matter so much why he does what he does when you can be almost certain he’s not going to change anyway. What’s important is to recognize the behaviors and know they are not just merely there to stay, but you can practically count on them growing worse.

How are you going to choose to live?

 Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

 © 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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