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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

 “Could Meditation Help You Better Cope with his Narcissism, Addictions, and Abuse?”

 This morning, I sat down and started writing this article as soon as I’d finished my morning meditation. Why do I even mention this? Because I want you to realize, as you read my various articles and try to decide how to deal with your husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse, that you might have to change some of your own behaviors and the way you approach life. This is especially true if you want to find more peace and joy. And one of the ways you might do this is through engaging in meditation yourself. 

Is this a foreign concept to you? If it is, perhaps it shouldn’t be. Actually, I intend to use meditation regularly to enhance my level of inner peace, facilitate my creativity and writing, and to manifest other desired results in my life. And I intentionally use the word intend because I must admit, I haven’t been good about doing it regularly, even though I know that would be most beneficial. However, I intend to change that now!

Certainly, it might be difficult to find the time to meditate in your current environment, especially if there is constant chaos. Bu even if you can only find ten or fifteen minutes a day to do this—perhaps during the lunch hour-- you might discover more inner peace despite your husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse.

I have said it before, and I will say it again, that such an environment is both confusing and emotionally painful. Indeed, it can be quite crazy-making. As a result of what you face, you might come to question your own sanity.

These are normal reactions to what you face and cope with regularly. However, this is not the way you want to live your life forever. For both your mental and physical well-being, as well as to find more joy in your life, you need to find ways to create more sanity day-to-day.

You can achieve sanity by doing things that help you become more centered. Thus, you’ll want to start turning inward versus looking outward for guidance and direction. Now, you don’t turn inward in the same way a depressed person might, ignoring the external world, doing nothing, and getting lost in negative thoughts that keep professing how dismal your life is, that you’re helpless, things are hopeless, and it is going to be this way forever.

No, you certainly don’t want to get into this type of thinking. And certainly, if you’re already into it, you want to get yourself out of it. And frankly, you can do this even if right now, you believe you can’t. However, you’ll have to make changes in yourself and how you approach life.

I think it was Albert Einstein who defined insanity as doing the same old things you’ve always done, expecting to get different results. Of course, it just doesn’t work that way. Change is necessary. Nevertheless, too many people refuse to change. They engage in the same old behaviors, but then hope and pray that somehow, their lives will miraculously be different. Surprisingly enough, they seem surprised when they aren’t.

Now, haven’t you already had enough insanity in your life stemming from your husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse?  Well, don’t add to it by refusing to make changes in yourself or in your life. Remember, even if you’re praying to God for assistance, God helps those who help themselves. In other words, you have to take some of the right actions first. After you’ve taken these, then you might see Divine intervention. And once God has stepped in, then things might progress more easily or miraculously than you might have expected.

But let’s step back a moment here. Let me make certain I understand where you’re coming from. You do want your life to be different now, don’t you?

Since you do, don’t get lost in that negative thinking that’s probably filling your head constantly. Also, don’t believe the things your narcissistic, addicted, and emotionally and verbally abusive husband says about you, either. After all, they probably aren’t the truth. Sure, he might think they’re the truth. But that’s because of his own world view which is fed by his narcissism and his addictions. In other words, because he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD—well, perhaps it’s a lesser degree of unhealthy narcissism, but it still leads him to believe and then act in accordance with beliefs centered around grandiosity, superiority, and entitlement, for example--he’s going to say and do certain things. And because he’s driven by a mental health disorder that will probably be stable, you can expect to see the same kind of behavior in the future.

You may want to believe that his behavior resulting from narcissism, addictions, and abuse are all suddenly going to disappear or change. But you need to wake up to something: that’s not reality. What you’ve seen in the past is what you’ll undoubtedly see in the future, too. As Dr. Phil always says, the best predictor of future behavior is the person’s past behavior.

That doesn’t mean you have to buy into what his narcissism, addictions, and need to be abusive cause him to say, however. Also, the number of times he repeats something doesn’t increase its accuracy, either. It’s still wrong, and you mustn’t let it define you. But sometimes when you hear something so often that you’re almost being brainwashed, it's easier said than done. I under stand that. But please, try to start defining yourself as the person you want to become. Then, strive to become that person.

Meditation can help get you there.

Does meditation sound too far out for you? Well, it might not fit with your current perception of yourself and how you approach life. But that doesn’t mean it couldn’t, you know. Nothing says you have to be the same way all your life. Look at Madonna. She keeps redefining herself and behaving differently. So why can’t you do this as well?

Okay, Madonna made changes to help enhance her career. But you can make changes to help enhance your life. Now, doesn’t that sound like a good idea?

Are you wondering how to get started? Well, there are various resources on meditation. But you might find useful information and meditation CDs at the website of Dr. Wayne Dyer.

There’s a way to get started immediately, though. Just sit quietly in a relaxed position with your eyes closed. While sitting there, either think or quietly repeat one positive thought time and again, so it blocks out all others (or does this for the most part). It could be something like, “I am now enjoying inner peace which transcends into my outer world, creating miraculous changes in my relationship and life.” Just repeat this for ten to twenty minutes at least once a day—twice if possible.

Is it too hard to sit there with your eyes closed doing this? You might want to stare into a candle instead.

Anyway, try it. Try it, though, knowing it is going to feel uncomfortable and strange. But please, don’t let this stop you. Do it the next day, and the next day after that. In fact, do it for twenty-one days. At that point, evaluate how you feel. Decide if doing this has made a difference in your life.

I’m sure you’ll find it has. Also, after this amount of time, it won’t feel so strange. Well, doing it won’t seem such a chore, either. But then, it takes about twenty-one days to establish a new habit. Did you realize that?

Let me reiterate: If you want your life to change, you must change. You can’t wait for your spouse to overcome his narcissism, addictions, and abusive ways. After all, the likelihood is he won’t. He is suffering from mental disorders not readily amenable to change. Nonetheless, you can change. Furthermore, the changes you make can improve the quality of your life. In fact, I bet you become less overwhelmed or negatively impacted by your husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse.

 Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

 © 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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