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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

             “Does your Partner’s Alcoholism                      Ruin Holidays?”

Once, did you love the holiday season? Was that before they were transformed into something negative by alcoholism and your alcoholic spouse’s behaviors?

I once looked forward to them. Indeed, I enjoyed shopping for gifts for friends and family. I found decorating the house both fun, as well as a creative outlet. It was a pleasure to dress up and attend parties, as well as throw one of my own. And although I wasn’t much for cooking, I also discovered joy in baking holiday goodies and pulling together Christmas dinner. Well, I also took delight in setting a table warmed by the sparkle of crystal, as well as the soft patina of the family silver, etched by memories of holidays past.

Yes, for me, Christmas time was special. Furthermore, I tried to make it that way for my husband, too. And while for several years he seemed glad to participate in ensuring it became a festive season, suddenly, all that changed.

My husband went back to drinking. Well, he resumed his abuse of prescription drugs as well. In other words, he became ruled by the chemicals when instead, he should have had dominion over them.

Except that’s what normal drinking is about. It’s a different story with alcoholism, isn’t it?

That first Christmas he drank it wasn’t so bad. After all, I believe he’d only recently rediscovered his attraction for the bottle. Also, he started back down that path, the one toward full-fledged alcoholism, by sipping Bailey’s Irish Cream. Later, he’d allow vodka or whiskey to slide down his throat instead.

Perhaps because of what he was drinking, he also falsely believed he could become and remain a social drinker. But of course, this wasn’t to happen. And so by the following Christmas, things had deteriorated immensely. He was an active alcoholic.

And so the years came when I’d pull out the boxes of gleaming balls and strings of colored lights, laying them on the Oriental rug that stretched over much of the den’s tiled floor, wondering what outburst of negativity this holiday season might bring. Then, a couple of weeks later, as I slowly unwrapped those same lights from the tree,  I found myself wondering if this had been the last time I’d ever see this house decorated for the holidays.

I had this conversation with myself for at least two years. The day came, though, when I realized I didn’t want one more holiday season ruined by my alcoholic husband’s outbursts. As a result, I chose to leave him before the holiday season started.

Earlier that year, I’d discovered I wasn’t the only wife of an alcoholic who found the holidays a challenging time.  While my husband was in treatment at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, I had occasion to attend what was referred to as family week. Actually, despite the name, it ran from Thursday night until Sunday morning.

There was one man slightly younger than my husband who was also going through this treatment program. He and my husband had become friendly. Thus, I knew who this man was. I also knew his father, mother, and sister were present to attend family week. Furthermore, both the father and sister had been to this very program themselves before, but as inpatients. They had not been saved from alcoholism despite extreme family wealth and a thriving family business.

During one of these family sessions, I was commenting on how my alcoholic’s behavior had impacted me negatively. I spoke about how I once loved the holidays. In more recent years, however, I had come to dread them because of the way my husband behaved. Of course, I also talked of how I regretted having this special time of year ruined for me because of my husband’s alcoholism and related actions. And while I hadn’t forsaken trying to make this season special nonetheless, it saddened me that I was forced to live as I did because of his alcoholism.

After I made my comments, the mother of this man spoke up. She explained how she’d come to find the holidays difficult because of her husband’s alcoholism. She pointed out that while some might have kept this family secret hidden, by choosing to not entertain during the holidays and declining invitations, for example, her family wasn’t in a position to do this. They had to host holiday events and attend others because of their prominence in both the business world and the community. And thus, as such an event wore on and her husband’s behavior changed, plus people began to look at this business leader with surprise, this alcoholic’s wife found herself explaining that such behavior, while nor preferred, was to be expected. After all, this man was an alcoholic. The alcoholism—not him—drove his behavior.

This woman’s disclosure had an impact on me. Was it because at the time, I was having trouble coping with how my seemingly good life had shattered and now it suddenly felt badly? Certainly, I believed myself alone in my plight, and so I wallowed in self-pity.

This woman reminded me that even enormous amounts of money can’t protect one from the trials and tribulations of living with an alcoholic, or the strange and sad ways of the disease of alcoholism.

Sometimes the best way to deal with the alcoholic and alcoholism isn’t to pretend to the world that the problem doesn’t exist, but to go ahead and label the problem for what it is. Thus, you step forward and tell the people how your husband is an alcoholic, and alcoholism leads people to behave in some predictable ways. Well, it also has some predictable consequences. So why deny them? That only keeps the craziness intact. But the system needs to be toppled. Its power to destroy must be lessened.

This woman couldn’t change her husband’s behavior; he had to do that. She could change her own, however. And in labeling what was happening, or by providing a reasonable explanation for the behaviors the guests observed—that her husband was an alcoholic—she also freed herself to relax and enjoy the holidays more. 

This same woman did not accept responsibility for his behavior, she did not try to hide it from others, and she did not try to shield her alcoholic husband from the consequences of his alcoholism. Therefore, while perhaps she didn’t enjoy these social events as much as she might have if her husband didn’t abuse alcohol, she nevertheless freed herself up to enjoy them some. But if she had felt compelled to try and pretend that everything was normal when people could quite easily perceive things were not, she might have been overridden by anxiety instead, for example.

Through her honesty, or labeling her husband as an alcoholic and acknowledging his alcoholism, she set the stage so that both she and her guests could become more relaxed. She mitigated what might have proved a very challenging and uncomfortable situation for all.

I hope you can enjoy this holiday season despite the antics of your alcoholic husband. Maybe you can if you’ll decide it is time to acknowledge and share what perhaps has remained a family secret in your household. By doing so, perhaps you will be better able to enjoy this holiday season despite your alcoholic husband. In fact, you might find more peace on earth than usual because of your willingness to label his alcoholism.

Did you ever consider that perhaps others will be willing to share their own challenges with an alcoholic partner, or discuss the ravages of alcoholism, because of your openness or willingness to divulge your own painful secret? And thus, this could prove to be the best gift you could give yourself as well as provide others, don’t you imagine?

This article first appeared on a blog signed as:

 Diane England, Ph.D.
The Blog Doctor on Narcissism who Understands
Providing Information for Women Needing Emotional Pain Relief
Because of His Narcissism, Addictions, and Abuse

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

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