Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

 If you took your car into the mechanic to be fixed, and he told you what the problem was, but didn’t bother to fix it, would you be satisfied? Certainly not. And yet, when it comes to some of our own problems or issues, people seem happy to just understand the problem; they don’t bother to try and fix it. 

Is this any way to live?

Sure, you need to understand what’s wrong so you know what plan of attack to take. That’s why information is important and a first step in the change process. But again, despite how some people behave, it is not the only step!

Some people believe that change is impossible, of course. They see themselves as having a certain personality, temperament, or genetic make-up, or brain that forces them to behave in certain ways. As a result, when they behave badly, they essentially demand that others accept them as they are.

That isn’t the way to find a meaningful and enriching life, however. It’s also not the way I believe we were intended to approach life, either. How do I see it instead? That life presents you with challenges not so you can ignore them, but so that you might tackle them and in doing s0, come to change as a person.

Yes, I’m talking about evolving or growing. Yes, I’m talking about self development or self improvement. I even believe we are here on earth to engage in spiritual growth. (But please, don’t confuse spirituality with religiosity—basically a manmade creation while through spirituality, each of us can come to experience a source of knowing and guidance beyond the ego self).

If you’re not growing, you’re dying.

Quite frankly, don’t you feel that’s how you’re living your life now? When you live with a man who engages in emotional abuse and verbal abuse regularly—and who might display pathological narcissism and addiction—the real you dies just a little more each and every day, I suspect.

It doesn’t have to be that way, certainly. But you’re the one who has to see to it that things change. You have to be the change agent because it isn’t going to be your narcissistic spouse suffering from alcoholism and pain killer addiction—or whatever his problems are—who will do it. Instead, he’ll just continue to lead you down a path of destruction. Wouldn’t you prefer to be headed toward greater contentment and more joyous living instead? As you embrace your true identity and try to make changes via enhanced spirituality, you should find these. Van you believe this now?

How to Successfully Cope with Your Genetic Make-up and with Your Brain

 Have you been told your spouse’s problems result from disorders in the brain? Indeed, there might well be genetic reasons for why he behaves as he does. Did you know many mothers can spot a difference in the temperament of their children practically from the moment of birth? (Some will say they sensed it before the child was even born). But it’s also important to remember that damaging early life experiences also impact how the brain develops. From the scans we can now conduct of the brain, we know that the brains of those brought up in healthy environments differ from those raised in environments we label as toxic.

Negatively affected brains are also brains more difficult to manage than average brains. They’re generally still manageable, though. The person shouldn’t just go around saying, “But this is who I am, and you must accept me this way.” This person must engage in brain management techniques not only for the well-being of others and society, but for personal well-being and happiness, too.

How can the individual manage a problematic brain? Most people are aware of psychotropic medications for some problems. Others can learn techniques through therapy which will involve actively striving to change beliefs, or actively engaging in new experiences or behaviors such as practicing meditation.

Did you know the beliefs and behaviors that lie beneath addictions such as alcoholism and pain killer addiction as well as sustain codependency are typically the results of abuse, neglect, or abandonment the adult experienced in early childhood? These experiences lead to feelings of not being good enough—if not actually worthless and like the scum of the earth—that therapists might talk to a counseling client about. Sometimes we talk about how this causes development of a shame core; the person has such feelings or beliefs buried within, but is unaware they lie there. The persona uses addictions—or perhaps codependency blossoms in her case—to try and keep these bad feelings about the self at bay.

Counseling can help one understand the root cause so it can be pulled up like a weed and tossed aside. Then, behaviors well might change. The brain is no longer as likely to cause problematic behaviors because new thoughts are thought and beliefs held. They result in new, more positive behaviors.

It’s not Enough to Recognize the Cause

Since we live in a society where we continually seek to better understand cause and effect relationships through science, it probably gives all of us a certain amount of comfort to understand the probable cause of a problem we might face—such as being codependent or exhibiting codependency (co-dependency). But of course, this merely explains it. It does nothing to solve the problem and the problems that the codependency itself might then cause. After all, codependency is a label for a myriad of thought patterns and behaviors which are problematic because they are usually self-defeating or self-destructive.

 It is interesting that most of us would never be satisfied with a car that does not run smoothly. We take it to the mechanic and not only demand that he diagnose the problem, but that he fix it as well.

Maybe we accept lives that don’t run smoothly because there is no mechanic on which to unleash the problem. We can seek out assistance from therapists to better understand the problem and how it might be dealt with. But ultimately, too many of us don’t want to accept that responsibility. We’d rather bemoan our fate and blame others—such as our narcissistic and abusive spouse. Of course, meanwhile these men who engage in verbal abuse and emotional abuse and sexual abuse and economic abuse and social abuse—and may exhibit addictions in addition to their narcissism and abuse (invariably with other painful behaviors resulting from them), they blame us and won’t take any responsibility for the pain they cause.

When codependency is present, so is emotional pain. Well, it might not be there immediately. But in time, it is bound to arise. And unless something is done to solve the root cause of the codependency, the problems will likely increase in number and the repercussions will escalate. Needless to say, the emotional pain will increase as well.

The amount of your emotional pain is probably indicative of the severity of the problem you have to face and solve. Some women will elect to not try to solve it in healthy ways. Instead, they might overeat, drink, take drugs, shop excessively, starve themselves, exercise to the point of injury, work compulsively, or act out their pain sexually, for example. But again, none of these are good solutions. They are temporary fixes, perhaps, but not long-term solutions.

There is a solution, though. It is spiritual growth. After all, abuse, neglect, and abandonment all hamper the development of a healthy sense of self. But through spiritual growth, you will come to see yourself differently. And as a result, you will be able to act differently as well.

Some people confuse spiritual growth with being religious or religiosity. They are not the same thing.  I am talking about turning within to connect with what is known in the twelve-step programs as a Higher Power. You might elect to call it something else. But basically,   by seeking to connect to this part of yourself that connects to all else, you can come to know who you truly are. And that will be a much more powerful and capable woman than you’ve undoubtedly been living as a codependent. After all, codependency suggests a way of being or a process that slowly erodes at the fragile sense of self you have. Spiritual growth, however, expands it.

Some Final Words

Some people act as if it’s enough to understand the cause of their problems. This is not enough. You must take steps toward solving them. The thing is, too many people try to deal with the symptom of a larger problem still. For example, they might diet and diet to deal with their weight, only to put it all back on again. And then of course, they all only feel worse about themselves. But if they had gotten in touch with the abuse they endured as a child and the beliefs and behaviors they adopted as a result, it might be easier to move forward from that place where food was needed  to fill the sense of emptiness or to anesthetize the pain. But those actions taken to overcome the past would also be helping the woman lay aside the beliefs of others and develop new beliefs that honored who she now believed herself to be—or the type of woman she desired to become.

This would be a step forward toward spiritual growth.

 Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

© 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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