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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

“Is the Narcissist in your Life Depleting your Emotional Bank Account?”

You probably realize that narcissism is about self-involvement. Yes, the narcissist might well take and take without giving anything back. When you live with a narcissist, you might well feel depleted because basically, he’s making constant withdrawals from your relationship’s emotional bank account. Of course, you’re also the one making most of the deposits, right?

Actually, to have a healthy relationship with anyone, and not just merely your partner, there must be give and take. Sure, sometimes circumstances demand that one person takes more while the other gives more. If one person is going through difficult times and needs more support, it is certainly acceptable to maintain an imbalance where you give and the other takes. But this can’t go on incessantly if the relationship is to remain healthy and beneficial to both of you.

Most people, just as with their regular bank account, are always making both deposits and withdrawals into their relationship’s emotional bank account. As a result, things go along smoothly in the relationship. But then, something might happen where one person starts making withdrawal after withdrawal. Needless to say, this is when problems could arise. The giving partner might start feeling used or emotionally exhausted.

In your own marriage, I’m assuming this person is you. After all, your narcissist doesn’t just require additional love and support some of the time; he demands it all of the time. This is one of the characteristics of unhealthy narcissism.

Indeed, your narcissist might be making withdrawals constantly while you struggle to keep on making those deposits. Thus, the bank account never is empty and the narcissist gets his supply.

But what about you?

Yes, because of your partner’s narcissism and need for constant supply, you are expected to do for him and honor him and sing his praises while basically, you receive nothing in return. Oh, he might provide you with a roof over your head—even a very nice one at that—as well as other material things. Nevertheless, he never provides the love and emotional support you need to thrive. You live life on the plane of sheer survival.

All the deposits in that emotional bank account are yours. All the withdrawals are his. But of course, it is a joint account where you both should be making regular deposits and withdrawals.

Certainly, people all have rough days where they need more emotional support than they can give, for example. In fact, these times might even extend into weeks or months. During such times, an individual might need to make massive withdrawals while making few deposits in return. The partner, meanwhile, continues to make the deposits to ensure the account is not depleted. But that person also is assuming that the day will likely come when she needs to make multiple withdrawals. Furthermore, her spouse will keep making deposits for her use. Thus, over the long haul, things balance out. Both people get the love and support they need without feeling used or abused.

But again, this is not true when you’re married to a narcissist. Rather, if you’re living with a man suffering from narcissism who also has addiction problems and engages in emotional and verbal abuse, you undoubtedly have an emotional bank account that continues to exist only because you’re willing to keep making all those deposits. Well, you’ve probably accepted the fact you can’t make withdrawals, either.

If you’re making all the deposits and it has been this way for some time, then perhaps it is time you woke up to this fact. It is no way to live. After all, none of us have the wherewithal to just constantly give and give. We all need some support at times, too.

In this season in which we perhaps more consciously focus on love and kindness than we so often do, it might be a good time for you to consider if you’re getting the love and emotional support you need. In other words, pretend you’re pulling out statements for the emotional bank account. Check out all the deposit slips. Did you fill them all out? And is his name on all the withdrawals?

Is it time things changed? After all, this isn’t the season for merely good will toward men. It is time for good will toward women, too. And what woman do you need to show the most good will?

Likely, it’s YOU!

 
A similar article first appeared on a blog signed as:

 Diane England, Ph.D.

The Blog Doctor on Narcissism who Understands
Providing Information for Women Needing Emotional Pain Relief
Because of His Narcissism, Addictions, and Abuse

 Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

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