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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

 “Why Living with a Narcissistic Man

who Uses Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse

 Can Harm Your Brain”

 Before you read this article, if you haven’t already done so, read the article, Who Else Needs to Better Understand her Brain? It should make this one easier to understand.

Until recently, most neuroscientists thought we were born with all the neurons we'd ever have. As children, we might produce some new neurons to help build the pathways, called neural circuitss, that act as information highways between different areas of the brain. Still, scientists believed that once a neural circuit was in place, adding any new neurons would disrupt the flow of information; they'd disable the brain’s communication system.

In 1962, a scientist named Joseph Altman challenged this belief. He’d spotted evidence of neurogenesis, or the birth of neurons, in a region of the adult rat brain called the hippocampus. He later reported that these newborn neurons also migrated from their birthplace in the hippocampus to other parts of the brain. 

          In 1979, another scientist, Michael Kaplan, confirmed Altman’s findings in the rat brain. Then, in 1983, he found neural precursor cells in the forebrain of an adult monkey.
          Another scientist’s research with birds captured further attention. Fernando Nottebohm and his research team showed that the numbers of neurons in the forebrains of male canaries dramatically increased during the mating season. This was a time when the birds had to learn new songs to attract females.

           Why did these birds’ brains add neurons at such a critical time in learning? Nottebohm believed it was because fresh neurons helped store new song patterns within the neural circuits of the forebrain, or that the area of the brain which controls complex behaviors. These new neurons made learning possible.

         Nottebohm decided if birds made new neurons to help them remember and learn, then the brains of mammals might work that way as well.

Other scientists were skeptical. Then, Elizabeth Gould discovered evidence of newborn neurons in a distinct area of the brain in monkeys. Her research made scientists reconsider their beliefs about the human brain, and their thinking it was not capable of neurogenesis. As a result, Fred Gage and Peter Eriksson conducted research on the human brain. They found that the adult human brain does produces new neurons in the hippocampus.

The hippocampus is part of the limbic system, which is also known as the "emotional brain" because it controls many of the involuntary aspects of emotional behavior related to survival, including feelings of pain and pleasure such as anger, fear, and affection. The hippocampus is also involved in the processes of learning and memory.   

That's the good news. Now, let me share bad news you need to know. After all, as much as you might not want to hear it, it probably applies to you nonetheless.

Here’s How an Emotionally Toxic Environment Affects Your Brain
          Do I have to tell you that when you’re living with a narcissistic man who engages in verbal abuse and emotional abuse regularly, your life is stressful? Well, probably not. And you might also realize that because of all you experience—perhaps coping with sexual abuse and economic abuse as well as fallout from his likely chemical and sexual addictions, too—your life is not only stressful, but you’re apt to be ridden with anxiety and depressed much of the time as well.

          You are living in a toxic environment which affects your emotions. These emotional responses in turn affect your brain. And trust me; it’s not positive, either. Let me explain why I say this.

          Repeated stress affects brain function, especially in the hippocampus. This is in part because the hippocampus has high concentrations of cortisol receptors. And, not surprisingly, acute stress increases cortisol secretion, which then suppresses the mechanisms in the hippocampus and temporal lobe that subserve short-term memory. Now it’s true these effects are reversible and usually relatively short-lived if the stress is not chronic. But since living in an abusive environment is chronic, this stress hormone is probably going to continue to be pumped out and will also continue to have this negative impact on the brain.

          Repeated stress also causes the atrophy of dendrites of pyramidal neurons in a specific region of the hippocampus. This occurs through a mechanism involving both glucocorticoids and excitatory amino acid neurotransmitters released both during and after stress. Again, this atrophy is reversible if the stress is short-lived. However, stress lasting many months or years can kill neurons in the hippocampus.

          So, how many months or years have you been suffering from your narcissistic spouse’s verbal abuse and emotional abuse? Enough to have caused some damage, I assume. At least I know I saw some changes in my cognitive abilities. I just didn’t realize at the time that neurons were dying because of the way I was living. Except thinking back now on those times, it eventually got so it was more like a slow death than actually living, I suppose.

          But enough about that. Let’s get back to more about your brain and the negative impact of abuse on the neurons.

          We now know through magnetic resonance imaging that stress-related disorders such as recurrent depressive illness, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Cushing's disease are all associated with atrophy of the hippocampus. Whether this atrophy is reversible or permanent is not clear, however. 

          As I indicated at the start of this article, research suggests that neurogenesis may be possible under some circumstances. Neuroscientists, however, have discovered that stress appears to decrease capacity for production of new neurons.

          Research with animals suggests that early stress and neonatal handling may also influence the course of aging and age-related cognitive impairment. Early experiences probably set the level of responsiveness of the Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) axis and autonomic nervous system. These systems overreact in animals subjected to early unpredictable stress and under react in animals exposed to neonatal handling. Thus, aging of the brain might be accelerated in humans who experienced unpredictable stress early on. Then again, it might be reduced if they experienced positive handling as an infant.

          What did your infancy and early childhood set you up to experience? Can you afford to allow your brain to experience the death of brain cells from your stressful abusive relationship on top of this? But then you might not have your answer until irrevocable damage is already done, don’t you imagine?

          Maybe you should think twice about what you’re doing. Perhaps it’s time to think about providing your brain with a kinder and gentler living environment?

          Okay, I’m going to stop hounding you for a moment and get back to discussing some more of the research findings.

          As I mentioned earlier, the hippocampus is involved with memory. It participates in verbal memory, but is particularly important for the memory of "context," or the time and place of events that have a strong emotional bias. Impairment of the hippocampus decreases the reliability and accuracy of contextual memories. Of course, this may also exacerbate stress since it prevents access to the information needed to decide whether a situation is a threat or not.

          Perhaps what follows will help you better understand what I mean.

Why Women who’ve Been in Abusive Relationships Might have Hyper Vigilant or Over-Reactive Brains
          Emotion is linked to how memories are stored in the brain. Memories associated with strong emotions--such as fear—are marked in such a way that the memory retains its vividness in a very persistent way. This is what happens in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
         
          We typically associate PTSD with the soldier who has been in a combat zone. But women who’ve been in abusive relationships can suffer from PTSD as well. Like those former soldiers, they may have brains that are hyper vigilant and over react to stimuli in their environment. After all, they’ve been attacked time and again through verbal abuse and emotional abuse.

          The brain is always scanning the environment for similar patterns and will be triggered when something the least bit similar is spotted. After all, this part that’s triggered is interested in assuring your survival.

      But the situation might not actually call for the fight or flight response that’s suddenly triggered because of the way these highly emotional memories have been stored—as well as what might well happen next.

          See, many of us believe that what our senses take in is delivered to the more rational part of the brain first. We also assume that once there, it is logically evaluated and an appropriate reaction is determined. In other words, with this part of the brain, we might consciously choose to engage in a fight or flight behavior because our safety if threatened and immediate action is required. Or, if we realize the situation doesn’t pose immediate danger, we might choose to think calming thoughts to quell this automatic response by the body that we didn’t need after all.

          But sometimes it doesn’t work this way. Instead, that more rational part of the brain is bypassed—at least initially. Understandably, this can also create problems for the person who experiences what some authors have referred to as a hijacking of the brain.

          When this part of the brain is initially bypassed, the more primitive part of the brain, the section that spurs on that automatic fight or flight reaction, is triggered first. Only after this has happened will that more rational part have an opportunity to decide, through conscious choice, a reaction appropriate to the situation.

           Meanwhile, action might have already been taken that is inappropriate or detrimental. For example, people have shot and killed family members thinking they were nighttime intruders meaning harm.
 
          Were their brains hijacked? I’d have to fo go back and study the particular case, but it’s a possibility.

          Again, this type of high jacking of the brain is most apt to occur in people who’ve experienced traumatic events in their lives.

Are You Ready to be Kinder to Your Brain?


          When I was married to an abusive narcissist and suffering the onslaught of his regular verbal abuse and emotional abuse, I know I suffered a decline in my cognitive abilities. I not only had more difficulty remembering things, but I also found it challenging to talk in complete sentences. Sure, it was worse around him. And maybe I was fearful of stating a complete idea since I knew it would likely be attacked as soon as I completed it. But I also came to realize this happened more often than just when I was with him. Actually, it occurred when I was with caring friends, too.

          I assumed the stress of living in this type of abusive marriage was getting to me. I didn’t realize that prolonged stress actually caused some of my neurons to die and thus, the hippocampus to shrink.

          It made sense that I experienced problems with both learning and memory that I hadn’t before.

          Prolonged stress leads to depression. Some of the signs of depression are a sense of helplessness, feelings of hopelessness and despair, a sense of being overwhelmed, and an inability to enjoy activities once engaged in with pleasure.

          I had them all. I imagine you do, too. Living with an abusive man who also likely suffers from addictions does that to you. Read my book, Secrets of a Formerly Miserable wife (available at this website) and you’ll have a better understanding why you’re depressed and also, why things aren’t likely to change, either. Well, that’s not true, actually; they will probably grow worse with time. After all, change is constant or inevitable. It just isn’t always in the direction one would wish.

          Like it isn’t when you live with a man who engages in verbal and emotional abuse—who might well be an alcoholic with a sexual addiction.

          Well, despite the fact I didn’t realize I was living in an environment that  that was resulting in the death of neurons and, of course, ensuring that new ones weren’t developed through the process of neurogenesis, I still realized I couldn’t stay in what I realized was an unhealthy environment for me. No, at that time, I wasn’t worried about my brain, although I would be now. I was more concerned about what I sensed was happening to me both emotionally and spiritually.

          I felt I was destroying my spirit and strangling my soul.

          So tell me, are you willing to acknowledge that the environment, in which you’re living, with its constant emotional abuse and verbal abuse, could be having a negative impact on your brain? Can you also appreciate why such an environment isn’t conducive to developing and using your brain to its full potential? Well, and if you aren’t, this also means that you’re forfeiting becoming  the person you could become—and were probably intended to be, too.

          You realize this, don’t you?

          This might not be a pleasant reality to have to face and accept. But since many people won’t change until they’re awakened by something rather traumatic, perhaps realizing how you’re causing your brain to deteriorate just might be the wake-up call you need, wouldn’t you imagine?

          If you want to learn about what finally made me take definite action about my deteriorating marriage, then check out my book!

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.


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