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Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife
Author Diane England, Ph.D. has the credentials you expect, plus she has 
empathy and speaks from the heart because she has been there, too.

“Would You Label this Economic Abuse?”

The abusive narcissistic man is manipulative, controlling, and domineering. To ensure he continually gets his way, he typically relies upon intimidation and fear. Thus, for example, the financially successful and powerful narcissist will often threaten his partner with withdrawal of resources. And he might well do this when she’s most counting on them being there.

Let me share an example.

Imagine that a woman requires surgery for a life-threatening medical problem. Because her narcissistic spouse is self-employed and has a sizeable income, he has a sizeable deductible on the family health insurance policy as well—let’s suppose it’s ten thousand dollars. Also, to date, the woman’s deductible hasn’t yet been met; the entire amount must be paid.

The husband tells her it’s her problems and he isn’t going to pay it; she’s just going to have to come up with the money somehow.

She simply doesn’t have the money. After all, his name is on all the bank accounts. In recent years, he’s only given her an allowance to cover household expenses—and it barely did that. Besides, she had to account for basically every dollar she spent and sometimes was even required to hand back any extra money she had. So how was she supposed to save any money anyway?

But then again, in the past, money was never an issue. She always had to ask him—sometimes practically beg him for what she wanted and needed—but he ultimately always paid. Including her medical bills.

Her anxiety goes up exponentially. After all, it’s already high because of the medical problem she faces and her uncertain future. But now there is that outrageous deductible.

Of course, she never questioned the amount before because of her husband’s high income. She always knew he could afford it.

She never assumed she’d have to, too.

She tries not to worry because she assumes this will exacerbate her poor medical condition. But she hardly knows how to stop herself; her life is possibly on the line and it’s as if he doesn’t see that.

Or he just doesn’t care.

She brushes that thought aside as she talks to a friend about her options.

“Why don’t you put it on a credit card? Maybe later you can get a part-time job to pay it off. Or maybe when presented with the bill, he’ll just go ahead and pay it. I know my husband sometimes will be facing a down month and he doesn’t want to pay that expense right then, but he’ll be happy to when things are going well again. Maybe it’s like that with your husband.”

The woman stared at the table’s top and didn’t say anything. And then she finally looked up and sputtered, “My husband took away the only Visa or MasterCard I had—I can’t remember which it was—and he cut it up.”

“But you’re always wearing new clothes,” the friend replied with surprise in her voice.

“He doesn’t care if I go to Neiman Marcus or Saks and charge up a storm. He wants me to look great.” she paused and then quickly added, “He wants me to be expensively dressed for all the social events we attend. He says it helps maintain the image he wants to present to the community--of being a highly successful professional. Plus he claims it also helps attracts even more business.”

The friend looked at her with her jaw hanging open. She shut it briefly before saying, “And I always thought you had a perfect marriage.”

"That’s just the image I tried to present,” the abused woman replied.

He finally did agree to pay the deductible on the heath insurance. But when she tried to hug him and thank him, he merely pushed her aside.

"You’re acting like you didn’t expect me to pay. What’s wrong with you anyway?”

“Well, you said—”

“Don’t try and tell me what I said. I told you I wouldn’t pay right then, not that I wouldn’t pay. I didn’t want you or them having my money any sooner than necessary.”

He immediately starts to chastise her. What was wrong with her anyway? Didn’t she trust him? And what had he ever done to deserve this, her acting like he was some nasty guy that would deprive his own wife of the medical care she needed? Really, hadn’t he always given her everything she desired? He then mumbles something about how she was impossible to please, and he sometimes wondered how he ever ended up married to such a distrusting and obviously ungrateful bitch anyway.

If such a scenario did unfold, wouldn’t you imagine any release of anxiety the woman felt at being told he’d cover the deductible was merely momentary?  Don’t you suspect it was activated again by his verbal abuse?

I would imagine at some level she also absorbed the nonverbal message that her narcissistic husband wanted her to recognize: He yields complete power over her and if she wants to live, she’d best succumb to his whims.

Sadly, these men, through the fear created by tactics such as economic abuse, can get their partners to meet their narcissistic heart’s desires. Meanwhile, hers are downplayed, if not outright ignored.

Would you like to read more examples of how these men, exhibiting narcissism and abusive behaviors because of this and addictions such as alcoholism and sexual addiction, for instance, can subtly and not so subtly abuse their spouses? Then read my book, Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife. Discover you’re not alone in your misery, as well as how to deal with it.

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

© 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

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