Are You a Real Life Desperate Wife Because of          His Narcisissm, Addictions, and Abuse?        
If so, You'll Want to Keep on Reading. . .

Narcissism, the Narcissistic, & Narcissistic Personality Disorder; Alcoholism & the Alcoholic; Drug Addiction including Pain Killer Addictiom; Sex or Sexual Addiction including to Pornography: Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Sexual Abuse, & Economic Abuse; Codependency; Depression, Amxiety, & Low Self Esteem; Eating Disorders; Impact of Abuse on the Brain; Recovery through Self Improvement or Personal Development, Twelve-step Programs such as Al-Anon, Listening to Your Life plus Spirituality and Spiritual Growth, and Living a Purposeful Life.

Have you been trying to save your marriage or relationship? Now, though, do you have doubts about doing this? Perhaps you feel desperate. How much longer can you tolerate your husband's narcissism, addictions, and abuse?

You want relief from your emotional pain.

Are you confused about what to do? Perhaps you're wrapped in fear, too. When depression and anxiety are your constant companions, you're left without the strength to do anything, even when taking action would serve you best. 

While you've likely felt immobilized in recent months, nonetheless, you are here at this site. This is a good thing because you’re going to discover information that lift that fog of confusion you’re likely immersed in now. You might also gain the inspiration needed to take another step towards necessary change, don't you imagine?

Do you realize that by coming here, you've already taken one step in the change process? After all, information gathering is one of the first.

I suspect you'll soon be walking down a new path that leads you in a new direction. Furthermore, each day, you'll walk it with less and less trepidation. As you do so, you'll discover your depression and anxiety start to dissipate. Of course, that's a very good thing because depression and anxiety are painful to live with, right?

Wouldn't you prefer to make room for contentment, happiness, and joy?

Let me guess. Are you muttering something to yourself right now about how you think those days are gone forever? That such feelings can't be yours again?

A part of you believes differently, though. That's probably why you're at this site and seeking new answers. There is a part of you—a healthy and protective side of you, by the way—that wants something better for you now. Certainly, you also deserve it. Nevertheless, can you hear and believe that? Or, is your husband’s voice ringing in your ears too o loudly? Are you still inclined to believe his pronouncement that indeed, you are worthless?

By the way, that tells me more about him than it does about you. Have you ever thought of it that way, how it paints a negative picture of your husband?

But let’s get back to you.

Yes, I can believe that more contentment, happiness, and joy can be yours. However, I’m not surprised if you can’t believe this for yourself right now. Realize, though, that others can often believe more for us than we can believe for ourselves. And it’s because of that it’s important for you to reach out and find support from people who’ve walked in similar shoes to your own and hence, can understand. And while misery loves company, it might be best to try and find those women who have emerged from such a quagmire to create a different kind of good life for themselves. Let them serve as role models and mentors. There is no need to bushwhack a trail through the jungle when one is already there, ready for you to follow.

Actually, I have walked in similar shoes. Yes, I know how it feels to be immobilized by fear.  And it was more than my husband’s rage and stinging words that had me petrified. Since, for example, it had gotten to where I could hardly put together a complete sentence anymore while in his presence, many days I was certain I didn’t have the mental strength to start over again.

Indeed, sometimes it was easier for me to remain in denial, and not to acknowledge how my life was falling apart around me. Instead, I focused upon how this man was a financially successful professional respected by many. I focused upon how he provided me with a beautiful home and a comfortable lifestyle.

Doing this, while it helped appease my emotional pain temporarily, didn’t change the fact my husband was addicted to prescription drugs and alcohol, or that his substance abuse exacerbated his grandiosity, self centeredness, and the rage that I suspected were already fueled by a pathological level of narcissism.

Still, because I feared whether I had the mental and physical stamina to start over again, I tried to convince myself things weren’t that bad, that I could stand it, and I was making a good decision in staying because I would be throwing away so much when, well, things just weren’t that bad.

Do you have similar conversations in your head, too?

Perhaps you think, as I so often did, how it isn’t fair you're the one who has to make all the changes. Really, why should you have to leave and start over when indeed, it is his narcissism, addictions, and abuse that have caused the problems?

I understand where you’re coming from. And certainly, while I was drowning in the emotional pain I perceived my husband as creating, I didn't want anyone reminding me that life often isn’t fair.

 Perhaps the thing I particularly didn't want to hear, however, was that I might be exacerbating my own problems because I wouldn't listen to my life and to my body. That I might be exacerbating my problems because I wouldn’t take the actions demanded for my own well being.

 I kept choosing to ignore all those red flags waving everywhere.

I also kept ignoring something else very important. With my training in clinical social work, I certainly should have known better.

Yes, it was true I might be able to tolerate things as they stood in the moment. However, because I was dealing with someone displaying narcissism, addictions, and abuse, things weren’t about to remain constant. In fact, as long as my husband was doing nothing to change himself, not only would he remain on a downward spiral, but he would drag me down with him!

I wouldn’t like the ending complacency was bound to produce.

Finally, I stood tall, and I faced the fear. I took the necessary actions anyway.

You can do the same. You can do the same no matter what the fearful side would have you believe. It is time to shut it up and listen to the healthy side instead.

You’ll find free articles, my book, Secrets of a Formerly Miserable Wife, and other resources such as our community forum that can help you get from where you are today to a new and better place—one that honors who you really are. And then, you can start living a more purposeful life versus merely being your husband’s pawn.

Of course, I’m not saying you must leave your marriage as I chose to do. I don’t know anything about your situation, so I can’t advise you. You might want to contact a psychotherapist with some expertise in narcissism, addictions, and abuse to help you in your decision-making process regarding that. What you can do right now, though, is educate yourself about what you likely face.

You must end your confusion—that state of confusion your husband or partner actually wants to keep you immersed in because it serves his purposes. Did you realize that? But then, it keeps you focused on trying to please him versus taking actions in your own best interest—like leaving him, perhaps.

Indeed, t is time to start looking out for number one. Did you realize I’m talking about YOU?

I want you to take a first step towards changing your behavior right this minute. So, give yourself a pat on the back for being here at this site reading these words.

Does this seem like s a stupid idea? Perhaps, if it does, you need to start learning how to acknowledge and reward yourself. And that includes for even the baby steps you take.

They help to get you to that place where you can finally take giant leaps, after all. And you do want that for yourself, don't you?

Of course you do. You want to someday rise like the phoenix from the ashes. You want to soar.

I know, I know. Right now, you can barely make it from one minute to the next. So, how can you possibly jump into the great abyss that looms before you? How can you possibly bring yourself to believe not only that you can survive the leap, but you might actually thrive afterwards?

Let's step back and talk about your fear and all the other negative feelings and thoughts that overwhelm you now. I want you to remember they stem largely from your husband’s emotional abuse and verbal abuse. They stem from having to deal with the consequences of his addictions and pathological narcissism. 

Remind yourself again that, in recent years, your husband has used emotional abuse and verbal abuse, and perhaps other forms of abuse such as economic abuse, sexual abuse, and even physical abuse, to sculpt you into being the person he has needed you to be to serve his own narcissistic needs. But, unlike a statue sculpted by Michelangelo, you are not made of marble and destined to stand forever in one place. Because you are a human being with a brain and mind, you have the power to change.

You have the power to create a new kind of good life for yourself.

Now, I’m not going to tell you this will always be an easy journey. I’m not saying you’ll get there overnight, either. But what I do know from my vantage point as a woman who has been there, it is possible to go on and create a different kind of good life for yourself. It might be a life unlike anything you’ve imagined thus far, in fact.

As I alluded to earlier, my life has changed in ways I’d never have believed during those days I was enmeshed with my husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse. Do you realize, for example, I ended up living and working in Italy for five years within merely a few years of my divorce? Do you think I ever imaged, when I was feeling pain from his cutting words, that in the near future, I’d be taking the train to Venice to shop on Saturday afternoons, or that I’d be skiing high in the Dolomites not only throughout the winter, but on an August morning as well? And, of course, I sunbathed on sandy beaches along the Adriatic and Mediterranean Seas, as well as strolled about villas, castles, palaces, and the wondrous museums of Europe, too. And how could I fail to mention all the great food and fabulous wines enjoyed, with some served in places such as where Galileo and other famous people had once congregated.

No, I couldn’t have imagined that someday soon, I would indeed be living what forever felt to me like a fairy-tale existence. Then, after visiting a friend who lived on an English estate because she wanted to create a different kind of good life for herself after the demise of her marriage, I felt inspired to try my hand at writing novels. They aren’t sold and published yet, but I’m also certain that day will come in the not-to-distant future.

Also, while I was struggling to cope with my husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse, I never suspected someday I’d have a website benefiting women. But I did this, and I’ll also implement other programs and services still, I’m quite certain of that, because I now feel guided by a higher power to do so.

Let me back up and explain what I mean by this.

Some speak of a Higher Power, The Universe, Infinite Intelligence, Consciousness, or they may use some another term yet in reference the energy that can neither be created nor destroyed, and is the source of all.  Of course, many people label this as God.

Frankly, I don't care what term you use, just as long as you’re comfortable with it. Also, no matter whatever you call it, please realize this force will help you, but only after you demonstrate you're committed to a new path and way of being.

And how to you do this? You do this by listening to your body and to your life. Then, you take the right actions that seem to be suggested. By the way, right actions benefit all parties involved or impacted. Right actions are not selfish interests that help you while they harm others.

So, when you allow yourself to feel the fear and do what you sense you are being guided to do anyway, it seems as if by magic, that which you need right then will appear in your life.

For example, if you need certain information, you'll be led to the right book or the right website. Then again, perhaps you need a helping hand from another. As a result, you’ll likely meet someone who can empathize with what you're going through and furthermore, wishes to lend support. In fact, a perfect stranger might soon become your staunchest advocate.

When you walk with your eyes and heart open to whatever might appear in your life to guide and take you in new directions, not only will your feeling of hopelessness and helplessness lift, but you’ll likely experience exhilaration, too.

In my own life, I began to look forward to seeing what experiences and people might be put into my life on that particular day. What guidance might be offered, and in what new direction might it take me next? What life lessons might I learn?

I appreciate that right now, you’re likely awash in depression and anxiety. Thus, it might be difficult to hear what I'm saying and to believe it. But may I remind you, you somehow arrived at this website. And, while you might believe differently, I don’t believe it was by pure coincidence, either.

You have already taken a step onto the pathway whereby you’ll be encouraged and led to reclaim your personal power. As you awaken further to it, your tolerance for the power and control your husband lords over you will diminish. You will want to walk further down this pathway of self discovery and personal development.

You will likely embrace your spirituality and hence, the process of spiritual growth. In doing so, you will awaken a part of you that has laid there dormant. Now, it will help you achieve dreams likely laid aside years ago.

I believe your soul started calling out to you years ago, to awaken you to your unique abilities and purpose. Will you listen to it now?

By consciously choosing to live your life this way, versus as the victim of your husband who might well remain forever dressed in narcissism, addictions, and abuse, you will come to know who you really are. As you begin to live a more purposeful life, you will reap the rewards of inner contentment and joy.

As you make this shift, you’ll likely look back with disbelief. How did you ever feel as lost as you did during those days when you lived with your husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse?

Of course, you will know the answer because you will appreciate that when you’re the victim of another’s abuse, you are only taken further and further away from knowing who you are and living a purposeful life.

You will be grateful that in your life now, love has replaced fear. Inner peace now reigns more frequently than any other emotion.

So, can you now envision something better for yourself than your current way of life which has been scripted by your husband’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse? Are you also willing to take another step down this new pathway?

You can prove to your unhealthy side, that side of you that would have you remain stuck in your pain and misery, that you most certainly are. Oh, and let me warn you that it isn’t going to be happy about this, either. No, expect it to squawk and to try and immobilize you with fear.

But don’t let that stop you, though. Just keep on making one conscious choice after another to honor your healthy side instead.

Indeed, prove to the unhealthy side that the healthy side of you is ready to take charge now by taking some immediate action here at this website. Make a conscious choice now to stay around awhile longer and read a few articles to find out more about how this site can benefit you. Then, look at the upper right-hand corner of any of the article pages. Go ahead and sign up for my free newsletter. This way, my words can arrive in your email every couple of weeks and remind you you’re not alone out there with your struggles. Furthermore, you’ll be reminded that someone believes in you and knows you deserve better—and you can have it, too.

Also, click on the link either to the left, or at the bottom of the page, for the Community Forum. Give yourself the opportunity to interact with others who can understand, and who also will be cheering you on.

 Yes indeed, you can step forth to create a life that better honors you and allows your creative side and unique abilities to blossom. Your current emotional pain can become the springboard to something amazing. But you need support to get you from here to there. You can not do it alone.

 Fasten your seatbelt and get ready for what will likely prove to be both a scary as well as exhilarating ride.

You’re worth it, despite what your partner might be telling you right now. Can you believe that?

Perhaps not, but that is also okay.  However, give yourself the chance to converse with others through the Community Forum. Let them believe more for you than you can believe for yourself right now. Then, some day, I expect to read on the message board how you felt the fear, took action anyway, and your life has changed for the better. You have learned perhaps not only to fly—but to soar.

When that day arrives, you will become an inspiration to other women who are currently drowning in their own emotional pain.

Don’t you imagine that will provide you with feelings of more joy yet?

 Click here to sign up for Dr. England's free newsletter now 

Disclaimer: This how-to and self-help relationship advice and information for women about narcissism, addictions and abuse should be considered educational or inspirational—a guide or directory to things to consider and inform questions to ask a professional you contact for sound advice. It is not a substitute for marriage counseling, individual therapy, or legal advice. Women coping with domestic violence such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or sexual abuse—even where no physical abuse is present—are encouraged to seek professional help for treatment of depression, anxiety, self esteem, and other likely associated issues.

© 2007, Benefiting Women, LLC.

All material at www.NarcissismAddictionsAbuse is copyrighted. Feel free to duplicate and distribute this article for noncommercial and educational purposes, though we require it remain completely intact as laid out, from the header to the bottom of this copyright notice. No article may be placed on a website without permission. If you have a website that attracts women who could benefit from the information at this site, please link to it.

Key Search Terms for this Website which is about 
more than Narcissism, Addictions, and Abuse!

Narcissism, Narcissistic, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder,  Personality Disorder, Alcoholism, Alcoholic, Alcoholism Treatment, Drug Addiction, Pain Killer Addiction, Drug Addict, Sex Addiction, Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Verbal Abuse, Verbally Abusive Relationship, Emotional Abuse, Emotionally Abusive Relationship,  Sexual Abuse, Codependency, Co-dependency, Codependent, Codependent No More, Depression Treatment, Depression Self-help, Eating Disorder, Bulimia, Anorexia Nervosa, Marriage Counseling, Divorce, Self Improvement, Personal Development, Self Discovery, Spirituality, spiritual Growth,  Life Purpose